Radvice! Household Hints

Dear Een

Do you have any recommendations for getting multiple dark, clotted stains out of a carpet?
you're the best, thanks!

Signed,
Mr.Derr

Dear Mr. Derr!
Long time no talk! And how is your fine family this evening? Last time I saw them they were going through some rough times what with your recent layoff and 16 day long drunken/meth binge and all. Oh golly how they DO love you though. Creme de la creme, that family! Give my regards to the missus too!
As far as dark clotted stains go, well that depends. How "dark" are the stains? (like a light amber, or deep crimson?) and is there any "particulate" matter embedded in the carpet? Like for instance bits of cat dander or dirt tracked in from outdoors or exploded bits of flesh?
What I'm saying is you should shake out your carpet first before attempting any serious stain removal. This is common sense but many of us were born without it.

Your pal,
een


Dear Een:

Do you ever notice that dishwashers actually do NOT clean dishes worth a you-know-what?

Signed
Dirty Diana's Dishes.

Dear DDD.

No, I don't-know-what!
Are you actually going to make me guess?
Why do you do these things to me so early in the morning?!!

Oh here, take a quiz and get outta my face.

Pop Quiz:

HEY, WHAT'S UP?


1: Do you know what I'm talking about?

a: Yes, yes! you are definately talking about tsetse flies.
b: Your words are hard to follow because you are drunk.
c: No, because all I think about is the two of us. making love on a beach. while the waves crash against our loins.
d: I think so. If not I will pretend I know so you will not tease me in front of my friends.


2: I know, right?

a: No, you do NOT know and you are never right because you died 6 years ago.
b: You think I know but what you don't know is how little I know.
c: Michael Stipe has invaded this quiz and I refuse to answer further
d: The fridge smells like old people

3: Can I ask you something?

a: Only if you wear a purple wizard hat when you ask me
b: Only if you sleep with me
c: Only if I can ask you something first and then interrupt you several times when you begin and finally when you give up say "why don't you ever want to know about MY life? huh? why do I always do the asking?"
d: No thank you.

4: Hows it hangin, bro?

a: flaccidly and leakingly.
b: it's not! HELP ME, my "wife" put liquid viagra in my wheaties!
c: i ain't your bro, homes, i'm your mother. eat your wheaties.
d: oH. OH. OH. OH. OH. hangin tough.

6: hey, are you allright?

a: my colon is on the outside of my body attached to my rectum by a thin wet spaghetti, do i look allright?
b: yes yes i'm fine. just allergies!. *twitch* life is a *twitch* gift!
c: could you take that rock over there...yes that sharp one...and bash in my head repeatedly? thanks, you're awesome!
d: what do you think this is on my leg it looks like a mole but it keeps flaking off

7: whazzzupppppppppppp?

a: when would be a good time to schedule your untimely death?
b: please die.
c: I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THE SHARP ROCK
d: AND BASH IN MY HEAD THEN YOURS THEN MINE AGAIN.

Results:

mostly a's: Oh nothing much, nother day nother dollar, right? lol!
mostly bs: The cancer has seized my brain now. (isn't that a ministry song?)
mostly c's: Sky, a few cumulus clouds, and an airplane
mostly d's: i just keep eating my wheaties like mom says.

Dear Een:

Do you have any low budget decorating ideas for my first apartment?
Unfortunately, only have about 20 dollars to spend.

Signed
Thrifty Taffy

Dear Thrifty,

I appreciate that you are saving even 20 dollars for home decorating! When een gets 20 dollars she usually buys burritos and beer. This is why her bedroom is decorated with cardboard boxes and random things people give her that she thinks would look good on a wall giving the impression that she is 19 years old and living in a frat house.
There's lots you can do, to decorate with 20 dollars! I only wish I knew. Wait, let's see what mother is doing, she is smart about these things......

Dear Thrifty.

Good grief, 20 dollars? okay. well the first thing I would do is spend about 7 dollars on some nice fabric. then with the fabric you can hang it up on your wall or put it over a box to make it look like a "table." or you can cut it in two pieces to make curtains. Then with the remainder of the money you can still buy a beer and a burrito and make it to the park intime for the free movie showing AH CRAP I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE ANYMORE.

your pal,
een and eens "mom."



Dear Een

My grandfather has bought the newly patented "Toe Valve" for his gout. Every evening he "flicks" his tophi into a bucket near his la-Zee-Boy chair. However now the house has now taken on the smell of expired organ meats. I tried the baking soda and lye trick but it doesn't work! help!

Signed
Livingroom or Liver?

Dear Livingroom,

Unfortunately the "Toe Valve" is still needing a few tweaks. The newest version comes with a sanitizing "squeaky teen fresh" spray. But it is not available yet in most stores.
So my suggestion is to just do away with your grandfather. Besides he is old and diseased, and has nothing further to contribute to society but amusing malapropisms such as "I cannot phantom a word this poisoned Bush is saying on Television!!"
Use the sharp rock.


Dear Mrs. Een.

There is a monster underneath my bed, and he is my best friend. His toenails are long and he never combs his hair.

-Maggie age 7

Dear Maggie,
So that's where he went! guess he went found a new best friend (sniff.)

No problem is too hideous or plain!

Send all inquiries to leenashirlee@yahoo.com