Dear "Een"
What is your obsession with gout? My grandfather suffers from this ailment and it's seriously impairing his ability to wear his best sunday shoes. Why do you poke fun of it like it's Epstein-Barr syndrome or something? I'm seriously annoyed with you right now.
Signed,
Taffy.
Dear Taffy
While I lament the fact that your Grandfather is suffering, I urge you to reconsider the possible humor in his condition.
First of all, let me share some "lesser" known facts about gout that might lighten your heart and put a spring in your grandfathers (heavy, swollen, leaking) step!
1: Gout was started by the turks as a way to kill the gypsies but then used by the gypsies as a ploy to pick-pocket the sympathetic yet rich -as- fuck swiss. Poetic justice? You decide.
2: Uric deposits or "tophi" can be harvested and used to seal leaky dikes and faucets.
3: the "Toe Valve" or "PH-alanges flip!" is currently under patent, and it's distribution will mean the average citizen (including your grandfather!) (provided he does not already suffer from stage 3 phlebotomy or graves disease) will be able to consume ALL the organ meats he wishes and be able to conveniently "flip" the resulting painful tophi into a nearby receptacle where a special recycling truck will pick them up weekly for leaky dike repairs.
4: Gout does NOT result from sex with whole or partial hams, honeybaked or otherwise.
So chin up Taffy, you can be rest assured that your grandfathers condition is being researched by highly trained specialists...And if you can't see the humor in your grandfather's painful shuffling down the aisles of the church, in his quiet wimpering during his favorite shows or asking you to ring out his socks one last time before bed ..... then YOU should probably pray for someone to quickly and mercilessly dispatch of your human form. It's only because I love you that I am saying this.
Your pal,
Een
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