RADvice! Religion

Dear Radvice een.

Why does god make bad things happen to good people? Also, should I laminate my wife? In the bible it says I should.
Signed
Laminatornaught?

Dearest Laminatornaught,

I think you mean Ecclesiastes 9:8 Which states

And the flaccid bosoms of Abraham smite the thieves in the temple
and burst forth without sin
the dead in sheol listeneth to old skool prince
and worship at my wifes fabled shrine?

They meant shrine, not shine I think but laminator machines are coming down in cost, and your wife's kinda kinky so let me know what happens!

your pal,
een


Dear Eensblog,
Can you tell me the difference between immaculate conception and a virgin birth?
Every girl I go out with fails to explain this to me while I am telekinetically blessing her with my seed and she's shouting oh god yes yes yes oh jesus i am having a virgin birth! when she really means an orgasm??!!!!. Why don't chicks know the difference? are they faking it?

Signed
Pope Williams Aero-spermfloat III

Dearest Pope Williams
well. It all goes back to the holy sea.
in otherwords, the vagina.
Everything in one way or another goes back to the vagina.
When we die, and people say they "went into the light" they mean they went into the vagina.
Along with dead loved ones and jesus and a few angels, the vagina contains many unborn fetuses created from your telekinetic sperm.
If the fetuses grow to term and are born, then you will have what's called a "child."
If the child is born with extra eyes it will be considered "immaculate."
And yes, you still have to pay child support on an immaculate (i.e. deformed) child.
In fact, the holy sea charges interest on exra interest on extra facial features.
Start saving up now!

your pal,
een


Dear Een.
I am having a hard time telling if I'm having a "holy ecstasy" right now or a seizure, Can you helP?
signed
Seizure or Scripture?

Dear Seizure or Scripture,

Well, color me rosy! back in the 1970's when religious epiphanies reached their peak in popularity due to the cute animated films "davey and goliath"--- a smart woman by the name of Williamette Samson wrote a book called "Grand Mal-adies-A guide through your seizure and/or religious awakening." (knopf publishing, 1976)


AM I HAVING A SEIZURE OR AN EPIPHANY?

1: What am I thinking about when I'm writhing on the floor of the produce aisle at safeway?

a: my safeway clubcard being mangled by my fall
b: the battle of algiers
c: my tongue going down the hot deli guy's throat
d: my tongue going down my own throat

2: Why am I blacking out completely?

a: I have epilepsy
b: I am drunk
c: I am fervent
d: I am lindsay lohan

3: What sorts of things am I shouting incoherently while I black out?

a: I HAVE EPILEPSY! CALL A DOCTOR!
b: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!
c: LIFE IS DANDY, BRIGHT AND FULL OF MEANING!
d: I AM A LITTLE SNAIL UNDER THE PAW PAW TREE!!!

4: What are the people around me doing right now?

a: trying to save my life
b: trying to be saved by jesus
c: saving money for an awesome trip to cancun
d: having a virgin birth

5: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your shaking and blackouts in proportion to the number of bible verses you can memorize on a train ride to Eugene, Oregon?

Answers:

Mostly a's: You are having a seizure
b's: you are having an epiphany
c's: you are well on your way to financial security using the AAA pension plan
mostly d's: you are total and complete miscreant and I fucking love you for that.

Dear Eenleenicecream,

ummm....I'm pretty sure that REM ripped off the song "losing my religion" from my highschool band NadsThrashRRR back in 1990.
I'm sending you a CD but you can totally see for yourself:

SONG TITLE: BLOOD UNDER BLEACHERS

ohhhhhh life
is deeper
deeper than my pain
and you are not named
the shame that we all go through
the wickeness inside

oh no
i bled too much
I haven't bled enough
that's me in the corner
that's me under the bleachers
losing all my life blood
the slip, it's rough
I fall into the pool
i think I knew I know you
my ache you feel insideeeeee....

what do you think?????

Signed
Drummer for NadsThrashRR

Dear Drummer,
I think you have a lawsuit there! go for it!
Thanks for the CD-so far my favorite song is "WATERHELLIONS PICNIC". You should send it to Crispin Glover!

your pal,
een


Dear Een.
Well, I am having a conflict of faith. I was raised Jewish but I have a strong pull towards the rituals and pageantry of the catholic church, specifically the outfits of altar boys. No no no, I don't mean the altar boys themselves!!! I mean. I like dressing up in a little white gown and confessing my sins to this man at the produce market who looks like Gregory Peck from "The Omen."
Am I betraying my chosen jewish people by doing this?

Signed
OyVe(y)stial Virgins!

Dear OyVe(y)
The question is, do YOU think you are betraying your people? and why do you think you would NOT betray your people by doing these sorts of things? Is it possible to betray anyone, knowing that you have betrayed yourself time and time again in your own heart?
And are you wearing the little gown right now? Is it an adult altar-boy costume, or a child-sized one that you squeeze yourself into and fits you nice and snug around your bulging arms?

these are all good questions, no?
your pal,
een

Dear Een

Do you believe in god?
signed
Jackson from tampa aged 6 and 3 months.

Dear Jackson
I believe in only one thing in this world: YOU.