I am a trained professional. Please listen to every thing I say because I have several degrees from highly esteemed universities, and also my parents are doctors and my parents parents...So sue me with abandon! I will win!
Dear Een,
I'm not sure, but I think I am having a stroke. How do i kn
Dear _____.
Let me first "stroke" your whimsy with some of the ancestral lore and remedies regarding this condition--because you know, sometimes there's a grain of truth to some of those fuddy duddy old-wives tales!
DID YOU KNOW:
......That some native american tribes thought of stroke survivors as shamans? Don't look at your stroke as an impediment, look at it as a way to show off your shapeshifting abilities! Ever wanted to be a snake or a mountain lion? Well, how about an african dik-dik?
......That Sir Edmund Grossenstein III, a very smart jew indeed, saved himself from having a stroke by reciting the entire periodic table of the elements, and when he reached the end he actually INVENTED a new element called "OHMYGODHELPMEPLEASEPLEASEIAMHAVINGASTROKEIUM."
......that by throwing a handful of beaver bones into an icy river you can actually SEE the reasons why your life is such an empty wind-whipped cave of doom?
What I'm trying to say _____________ is with strokes you just never know. Sometimes your left leg is just asleep and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the blood supply being cut off to your brain. I mean, really, I think you're just exaggerating your symptoms to gain my sympathy and you know what I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU. You're always whining "My heart is stopping....I am passing on to the spirit world...There is blood spurting from my rectum....my life is passing before me.....i'm seeing ghosts.......call 911."
Buck up and take an asprin, yo.
your pal,
een
Dear Advice
I found worms in my poop!?? What do I do?!!!
signed
I AM FREAKING OUT.
Dear I AM FREAKING OUT. I think it's completely appropriate for you to panic now. Infact, I am worried not only for you, but for your entire next of kin. My main concern is that, when the worm begins to gnaw through your stomach lining and crawls out of your body it will begin to devour whoever is closest to you.
This is why you should lock yourself into your bedroom without dinner.
I am also concerned about whether you should have a closed casket funeral or not.
On the plus side, it might be a good thing for people to know about what killed you so that they can then start support groups and stuff.
On the minus side, the mortician will have a hell of a job ahead of him, filling in your chewed-up body cavity with all that morticians putty. Factor that into your funeral expenses!
rest in peace,
your pal
een
Dear Een:
Let's say for instance that I was in a coma (I'm not but I would like to be someday!) and I wanted to die, who would I tell?
signed,
Coma-eXstatic!!
Dear Coma-eXtatic!!
Generally euthanasia is decided by your next of kin. But since you dont' appear to have any friends or family and your life is an endless series of "celeste pizza for one" meals finished off by your cat while you weep bitterly into your own lap....I'd go for the hottest nurse in the ward!
your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Usually when men reach a certain age, their guts pups out of their pants... and, why are the men from the south will wear their pants below the belly buttom while the man from the north will raise their pants up to their armpits?
Thanks
Nicolai,
Montreal, Quebec
Dear Nicolai:
Goodness me! Gut Pups are infact my biggest concern, of the last several minutes!!!!
Did you know the the consumption of gut pups has INCREASED by over 28 percent in the last six months alone?
Originally invented by Raquel Welch as a healthy replacement to the hush puppy, gut pups or "pugs" are small mealy biscuits made from wheatberries and fish meal. In the 1990's people confused them for coasters in restaurants and so they were largely ignored.... until Nicole Ritchie began using them to lose weight for her role in the film "Kids in America."
6 months later, health clinics are now being flooded with similar complaints: apnea, dizziness, and a longing to float in the ocean. When the patients are opened up and examined, the doctors are SHOCKED to discover hundreds of undigested gut pups lodged in their sub-rectal esophogal tubes. A DISGRACE!!!
Quite simply put, gut pups MUST be banned! Ask yourself Nicolai, how posessed are you by hollywood idol-worship that you must follow every inane diet trend introduced by hollywoods trashiest talent?
If you must munch on something containing fish meal, I suggest weight watchers frozen enchiladas.
Your pal,
een.
Dear Een,
I am still upset about your whimsical approach to gout.
I told my grandfather about you and he said if he ever gets well enough again, he will and I quote "Slimp drown the jiggityTOPHI and whopggg (inaudible) your bally!!"
Mostly he was upset about the hams.
Signed, Gout is not funny
Dear Gout,
I was just kidding about the hams.
Dear Advice Column:
And how is your health?
Signed, I don't really care I'm just asking out of social nicety.
Dear I don't care: Do you know that feeling of an icecream headache mixed with stabbing pains in your heart mixed with a paranoia that people are implanting radio devices in your neck while you sleep?
I don't.
your pal,
een
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