RADvice! Mystery grab bag

Dear Een,

My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).

PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."

Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence


Dear On the Fence,

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.

As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.

your pal,
een

dear een,

When I blow my nose, mucus comes out my eye. Is this normal?

-dripping eye

Dear Dripping Eye

Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"

For instance

Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.

We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een


Dearest Een,

Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!

Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels


Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!

I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)

but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.

Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.

Dear een,

If you feed an adult cow it's own milk, will there be extra nutrients in it's next batch?

-Milking Devon

Dear Milking

Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!

Your Pal
Een

send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com