Dear Een.
My friends say i should be medicated because i walk around carrying a dead chicken and whistling low whenever i hear someone say "right on!"
what types of drugs should i take?
signed
chicken madge
Dear Madge:
Heroin. Lots of it.
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
How much crying is too much?
signed
waterlogged in wynona
Dear Waterlogged.
Right on! Een is a huge fan of crying jags and outbursts of great feeling, as they are tonic for the soul. One time she cried for three days and three nights and built an ark out of empty beer cans and floated away to india where she met a boddhisatva in the form of a dead chicken. "How much crying is too much crying?" asked een.
"your ark has a hole in it," said the boddhisatva. "pbr is shit for building things."
The moral: don't drink cheap beer when sad.
These are very wise words, but in answer to your question..... if you are still crying after several days i will give you a snickers bar for being the person with the most feelings i've ever met.
in other words, there's no too much.
your pal
een
Dear Een.
I'm pretty sure i have phase 111 electrodialysism with a codependent twist of malapropy. Is there any hope for my future?
signed,
oh no!
Dear oh no!
i was afraid you'd say that.
phase III electrodialysism with codependent twist of malapropy is a very serious disorder indeed. Please be careful not to misdiagnose yourself because if it's true then this means you are doomed to a life of daily medication followed by a complete numbing of your feelings and sex organs, leading you to "make love" with sharp kitchen things, thus resulting in a BLOODY BLOODY EVISCERATING DEATH.
Lucky for you, there is a test you can take to tell for sure.
It was written in 1978 by a woman named sandy something.
QUIZ: DO I SUFFER FROM PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY?
Question 1: What color do you think of when I say the words "puppy smile."
a: a sort of vomity gray with a few dark worm shapes
b: a sort of bloodclot color with a few dark worms
c: a few dark worms against a bright bubblegum pink
d: eyes
Question 2: Have you ever done self mutilation or burnings?
a: oh goodness yes! it's fun. good times, lol!
b: only when i was a goth in highschool
c: only if someone dares me to. ARE YOU DARING ME? HUH? BRING ME THE BIG KNIFE WATCH I'M GOING TO CUT OFF MY SKIN AND WRAP YOU UP IN IT AND THROW YOU OFF MY ROOF
d: First i rub in the gasoline good then i burn it gooder.
Question 3: Assume you misheard me when I said "excuse me i think that's my seat." what do you think i said?
a: excuse me, you're eating my roast beef.
b: excuse me, you're beating my meat
c: you must be erased by order of zool.
d: well, i guess there are several things i dislike in this world. one, jesus. two, jesuses twelve secret daughters of which i am one. three, whores of jezebel, and four five six seven jan marsha alice and captain macaroni.
Question 4: Do you have any supersitious beliefs?
a: god
b: whistling in graveyards
c: magic tricks
d: killing rabbits before the superbowl
Question 5: Do you ever think about committing suicide because you are a lowly disgusting worm?
a: no, but i once went in through the out door at safeway.
b: constantly. sometimes i write suicide letters and send them to my mother that hole that whore who crapped me out into the pile of dirt we call earth
c: oh yes! i love suicides! i collect them all and dust them once a week.lololololol! ROTFLMAO!!!
d: i just dooted.
answers.
mostly a's: YOU HAVE PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY please remove all sharp kitchen objects from your vincinity IMMEDIATELY!!
mostly b's: You have PHASE I ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY-you can use spoons safely but not knives.
mostly c's: you have a keen sense of wit
mostly d's: stay out of my bedroom with your eyes watching always watching.
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Why do i sometimes feel the pointlessness of living far exceeds the love i receive daily from my friends, while random strangers often nod knowingly at me as if they understand.... are other really people onto the dirty joke of "life" or do they just seem to be programmed to understand me?
you seem to have all the answers.
so tell me. what's the meaning of life? understand me. i dare you.
signed
existential larry
dear: larry
Right on! You're very smart and i like you very much. the people you think are your friends are actually highly sophisticated robots programmed to soothe or irk you depending on the latest software updates.
in short:
there is no god.
there is no devil.
there is only zool.
and zool only comes the day after christmas to pick up your discarded wrapping paper.
there are alot of answers to be found in discarded objects.
love is elusive and rarely lasts forever.
rice-krispies snap because they do not know how to clap.
this is what i know so far larry, being jesus christ and buddha and the reincarnation of andy rooney WAIT ANDY ROONEY IS STILL ALIVE HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
fully medicated now,
your sane pal
een.
Send send OH SEND me your questions....
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Radvice! Household Hints
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for getting multiple dark, clotted stains out of a carpet?
you're the best, thanks!
Signed,
Mr.Derr
Dear Mr. Derr!
Long time no talk! And how is your fine family this evening? Last time I saw them they were going through some rough times what with your recent layoff and 16 day long drunken/meth binge and all. Oh golly how they DO love you though. Creme de la creme, that family! Give my regards to the missus too!
As far as dark clotted stains go, well that depends. How "dark" are the stains? (like a light amber, or deep crimson?) and is there any "particulate" matter embedded in the carpet? Like for instance bits of cat dander or dirt tracked in from outdoors or exploded bits of flesh?
What I'm saying is you should shake out your carpet first before attempting any serious stain removal. This is common sense but many of us were born without it.
Your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Do you ever notice that dishwashers actually do NOT clean dishes worth a you-know-what?
Signed
Dirty Diana's Dishes.
Dear DDD.
No, I don't-know-what!
Are you actually going to make me guess?
Why do you do these things to me so early in the morning?!!
Oh here, take a quiz and get outta my face.
Pop Quiz:
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
1: Do you know what I'm talking about?
a: Yes, yes! you are definately talking about tsetse flies.
b: Your words are hard to follow because you are drunk.
c: No, because all I think about is the two of us. making love on a beach. while the waves crash against our loins.
d: I think so. If not I will pretend I know so you will not tease me in front of my friends.
2: I know, right?
a: No, you do NOT know and you are never right because you died 6 years ago.
b: You think I know but what you don't know is how little I know.
c: Michael Stipe has invaded this quiz and I refuse to answer further
d: The fridge smells like old people
3: Can I ask you something?
a: Only if you wear a purple wizard hat when you ask me
b: Only if you sleep with me
c: Only if I can ask you something first and then interrupt you several times when you begin and finally when you give up say "why don't you ever want to know about MY life? huh? why do I always do the asking?"
d: No thank you.
4: Hows it hangin, bro?
a: flaccidly and leakingly.
b: it's not! HELP ME, my "wife" put liquid viagra in my wheaties!
c: i ain't your bro, homes, i'm your mother. eat your wheaties.
d: oH. OH. OH. OH. OH. hangin tough.
6: hey, are you allright?
a: my colon is on the outside of my body attached to my rectum by a thin wet spaghetti, do i look allright?
b: yes yes i'm fine. just allergies!. *twitch* life is a *twitch* gift!
c: could you take that rock over there...yes that sharp one...and bash in my head repeatedly? thanks, you're awesome!
d: what do you think this is on my leg it looks like a mole but it keeps flaking off
7: whazzzupppppppppppp?
a: when would be a good time to schedule your untimely death?
b: please die.
c: I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THE SHARP ROCK
d: AND BASH IN MY HEAD THEN YOURS THEN MINE AGAIN.
Results:
mostly a's: Oh nothing much, nother day nother dollar, right? lol!
mostly bs: The cancer has seized my brain now. (isn't that a ministry song?)
mostly c's: Sky, a few cumulus clouds, and an airplane
mostly d's: i just keep eating my wheaties like mom says.
Dear Een:
Do you have any low budget decorating ideas for my first apartment?
Unfortunately, only have about 20 dollars to spend.
Signed
Thrifty Taffy
Dear Thrifty,
I appreciate that you are saving even 20 dollars for home decorating! When een gets 20 dollars she usually buys burritos and beer. This is why her bedroom is decorated with cardboard boxes and random things people give her that she thinks would look good on a wall giving the impression that she is 19 years old and living in a frat house.
There's lots you can do, to decorate with 20 dollars! I only wish I knew. Wait, let's see what mother is doing, she is smart about these things......
Dear Thrifty.
Good grief, 20 dollars? okay. well the first thing I would do is spend about 7 dollars on some nice fabric. then with the fabric you can hang it up on your wall or put it over a box to make it look like a "table." or you can cut it in two pieces to make curtains. Then with the remainder of the money you can still buy a beer and a burrito and make it to the park intime for the free movie showing AH CRAP I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE ANYMORE.
your pal,
een and eens "mom."
Dear Een
My grandfather has bought the newly patented "Toe Valve" for his gout. Every evening he "flicks" his tophi into a bucket near his la-Zee-Boy chair. However now the house has now taken on the smell of expired organ meats. I tried the baking soda and lye trick but it doesn't work! help!
Signed
Livingroom or Liver?
Dear Livingroom,
Unfortunately the "Toe Valve" is still needing a few tweaks. The newest version comes with a sanitizing "squeaky teen fresh" spray. But it is not available yet in most stores.
So my suggestion is to just do away with your grandfather. Besides he is old and diseased, and has nothing further to contribute to society but amusing malapropisms such as "I cannot phantom a word this poisoned Bush is saying on Television!!"
Use the sharp rock.
Dear Mrs. Een.
There is a monster underneath my bed, and he is my best friend. His toenails are long and he never combs his hair.
-Maggie age 7
Dear Maggie,
So that's where he went! guess he went found a new best friend (sniff.)
No problem is too hideous or plain!
Send all inquiries to leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Do you have any recommendations for getting multiple dark, clotted stains out of a carpet?
you're the best, thanks!
Signed,
Mr.Derr
Dear Mr. Derr!
Long time no talk! And how is your fine family this evening? Last time I saw them they were going through some rough times what with your recent layoff and 16 day long drunken/meth binge and all. Oh golly how they DO love you though. Creme de la creme, that family! Give my regards to the missus too!
As far as dark clotted stains go, well that depends. How "dark" are the stains? (like a light amber, or deep crimson?) and is there any "particulate" matter embedded in the carpet? Like for instance bits of cat dander or dirt tracked in from outdoors or exploded bits of flesh?
What I'm saying is you should shake out your carpet first before attempting any serious stain removal. This is common sense but many of us were born without it.
Your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Do you ever notice that dishwashers actually do NOT clean dishes worth a you-know-what?
Signed
Dirty Diana's Dishes.
Dear DDD.
No, I don't-know-what!
Are you actually going to make me guess?
Why do you do these things to me so early in the morning?!!
Oh here, take a quiz and get outta my face.
Pop Quiz:
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
1: Do you know what I'm talking about?
a: Yes, yes! you are definately talking about tsetse flies.
b: Your words are hard to follow because you are drunk.
c: No, because all I think about is the two of us. making love on a beach. while the waves crash against our loins.
d: I think so. If not I will pretend I know so you will not tease me in front of my friends.
2: I know, right?
a: No, you do NOT know and you are never right because you died 6 years ago.
b: You think I know but what you don't know is how little I know.
c: Michael Stipe has invaded this quiz and I refuse to answer further
d: The fridge smells like old people
3: Can I ask you something?
a: Only if you wear a purple wizard hat when you ask me
b: Only if you sleep with me
c: Only if I can ask you something first and then interrupt you several times when you begin and finally when you give up say "why don't you ever want to know about MY life? huh? why do I always do the asking?"
d: No thank you.
4: Hows it hangin, bro?
a: flaccidly and leakingly.
b: it's not! HELP ME, my "wife" put liquid viagra in my wheaties!
c: i ain't your bro, homes, i'm your mother. eat your wheaties.
d: oH. OH. OH. OH. OH. hangin tough.
6: hey, are you allright?
a: my colon is on the outside of my body attached to my rectum by a thin wet spaghetti, do i look allright?
b: yes yes i'm fine. just allergies!. *twitch* life is a *twitch* gift!
c: could you take that rock over there...yes that sharp one...and bash in my head repeatedly? thanks, you're awesome!
d: what do you think this is on my leg it looks like a mole but it keeps flaking off
7: whazzzupppppppppppp?
a: when would be a good time to schedule your untimely death?
b: please die.
c: I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THE SHARP ROCK
d: AND BASH IN MY HEAD THEN YOURS THEN MINE AGAIN.
Results:
mostly a's: Oh nothing much, nother day nother dollar, right? lol!
mostly bs: The cancer has seized my brain now. (isn't that a ministry song?)
mostly c's: Sky, a few cumulus clouds, and an airplane
mostly d's: i just keep eating my wheaties like mom says.
Dear Een:
Do you have any low budget decorating ideas for my first apartment?
Unfortunately, only have about 20 dollars to spend.
Signed
Thrifty Taffy
Dear Thrifty,
I appreciate that you are saving even 20 dollars for home decorating! When een gets 20 dollars she usually buys burritos and beer. This is why her bedroom is decorated with cardboard boxes and random things people give her that she thinks would look good on a wall giving the impression that she is 19 years old and living in a frat house.
There's lots you can do, to decorate with 20 dollars! I only wish I knew. Wait, let's see what mother is doing, she is smart about these things......
Dear Thrifty.
Good grief, 20 dollars? okay. well the first thing I would do is spend about 7 dollars on some nice fabric. then with the fabric you can hang it up on your wall or put it over a box to make it look like a "table." or you can cut it in two pieces to make curtains. Then with the remainder of the money you can still buy a beer and a burrito and make it to the park intime for the free movie showing AH CRAP I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE ANYMORE.
your pal,
een and eens "mom."
Dear Een
My grandfather has bought the newly patented "Toe Valve" for his gout. Every evening he "flicks" his tophi into a bucket near his la-Zee-Boy chair. However now the house has now taken on the smell of expired organ meats. I tried the baking soda and lye trick but it doesn't work! help!
Signed
Livingroom or Liver?
Dear Livingroom,
Unfortunately the "Toe Valve" is still needing a few tweaks. The newest version comes with a sanitizing "squeaky teen fresh" spray. But it is not available yet in most stores.
So my suggestion is to just do away with your grandfather. Besides he is old and diseased, and has nothing further to contribute to society but amusing malapropisms such as "I cannot phantom a word this poisoned Bush is saying on Television!!"
Use the sharp rock.
Dear Mrs. Een.
There is a monster underneath my bed, and he is my best friend. His toenails are long and he never combs his hair.
-Maggie age 7
Dear Maggie,
So that's where he went! guess he went found a new best friend (sniff.)
No problem is too hideous or plain!
Send all inquiries to leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Friday, June 15, 2007
RADvice! Mystery grab bag
Dear Een,
My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).
PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."
Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence
Dear On the Fence,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.
As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.
your pal,
een
Dear Dripping Eye
Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"
For instance
Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.
We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een
Dearest Een,
Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!
Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels
Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!
I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)
but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.
Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.
Dear Milking
Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!
Your Pal
Een
send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).
PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."
Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence
Dear On the Fence,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.
As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.
your pal,
een
dear een,
When I blow my nose, mucus comes out my eye. Is this normal?
-dripping eye
Dear Dripping Eye
Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"
For instance
Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.
We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een
Dearest Een,
Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!
Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels
Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!
I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)
but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.
Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.
Dear een,
If you feed an adult cow it's own milk, will there be extra nutrients in it's next batch?
-Milking Devon
Dear Milking
Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!
Your Pal
Een
send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
RADvice! Hygiene and Grooming
Dear Een.
I want to shave my cooter but I don't want the nasty rash that follows. Any advice?
~Big Black and Beautiful.
Dear BBB.
I think this is a perfectly valid question! Many women are faced with this dilemma every day, and have suffered greatly because of well-intentioned but antiquated advice. (missing labia lips and nicked earlobes come to mind) (hey remember back in the 40's when fashion mavens convinced women that "cooter" actually meant "ear?" this is why nobody was born in 1943 think about it!!!) However, answering this question myself might just make me blush so I will turn it over to the experts at Muff-B-Gone Salon on Chestnut Street. Here's Taffy, she's got 10 years of exfoliating, shaving, waxing and plucking experience under her (hairless mohair) belt!
Hi BBB!
Cute name. welcome to our salon! Please have a seat and get comfortable before we remove your muff.
sencha? fuzo? do you like vanity fair magazine? they've got that article about lindsay lohans drunken tattoo binge, what WILL that girl do next, lol!
Or maybe you'd rather look through a catalogue of all your muff-b-gone options! For instance, this year there's a definate buddhist flair to our hair removal. maybe you want an adorable little buddha head carved into your cooter? Actually here at Muff-B-Gone we don't say cooter as it's often confused with "earlobe." For the record we also don't use the words "pain" or "rip" or "OHMYGODSHEHASNOOOOOIDEATHETORTURETHATAWAITSHER!"
I hope you have found this helpful.
Love Taffy!
(Your friendly hair representative at Muff-B-Gone)
Muff-B-Gone! helping you look more like an 8 year old girl every day!
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for acne? No, no not to get rid of it but to get it! I have been trying for weeks to add oils to my skin for some acne so I can look like my big sister. do you think olive oil might work? what about butter?
signed
sad little sissie.
Dear sissie.
While it might be fun to rub butter all over your skin for recreational purposes, I do not recommend it if you're serious about emulating your sister. Unfortunately, the best way to develop acne is to go through puberty. Puberty is something that hopefully you've learned about by now through health pamphlets and embarassed guestures from your parents. But assuming your parents are religious or uptight or dead, I will tell you that PUBERTY has to do with the pituitary gland in your brain producing hormones that cause hair to grow that will eventually be painfully removed. It is also responsible for "no goodnik attitudes" and periods. And also, (hooray!) acne!
So what you need to do is begin taking hormones. Now, I know it might be hard for an 8 year old girl to purchase hormones, so I will let you in on a secret: CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. Yes, if you eat at least 2 BUCKETS of CHICKEN MCNUGGETS a day you will begin to go through puberty. It's a fact! You will grow a nice shiny coat. your voice will change. but best of all you'll have some "acne vulgaris" that will rival ANY real teenage girl.
Happy trails!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Is it advisable to insert soap rectally?
signed
clean on the inside too!
Dear clean on the inside...
well, I can't think of a better use for those decorative bath beads nobody ever really uses, can you?!!!
just be careful of your colon! if one got lodged up there it could create a "mobile bubble bath" effect at work or wherever you experience flatulence eruptions. One at a time, buddy!
Dear Een
LIke, are you just really obsessed with asses or what? maybe you had some warped sorta good touch/bad touch from when you were a kid, cuz I just do not get it!
Signed
Assless and sassy
Dear assless
I find your lack of ass VERY HOT. Infact if you wore some assless chaps this would mean your ENTIRE posterior would be see-through! And if you then sat down your entirety would dissolve through the floor. Wow. can I make out with you?
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
i brush my hair 100 strokes a day to make it grow, and now it's falling out in chunks! and by hair i mean penis. help!
Signed,
falling to pieces
Dear falling.
My perscription, according to a medical text book I just found from the 1920's is an all-milk bath.
But I would recommend slowing down your strokes to a good 1 per second to see if that helps at all.
Breck Conditioner is also helpful but use it in the shower!
I hope your hair grows very long indeed. Send me a picture!
your pal,
een
Dear Eenleen,
How can I tell when I'm clean enough? I try very hard with the strong bristles and lava soap, but I still see nothing but a pile of dirt when I look in the mirror. Should i switch to bleach?
signed
so dirty indeed
Dear so dirty...
Lucky for you there was a special test invented in the 1970's, written by the Guiness Book of World Records "Worlds Dirtiest Man" who lived in his 5th grade boy scout uniform until he was 28 and didn't bathe or shower ONCE!!!! only to return from the military with a scary OCD cleanliness fetish that included inserting soap into his own rectum regularly and frequent "alcohol" fasts..
Taken from "Clean Up Yo Mad Scene!" magazine, april 1979.
AM I CLEAN ENOUGH?
1: WHAT IS MY SMELL TODAY?
a: bleach
b: wet rags and cheerios
c: mayonnaise
d: mothers apron
2: WHAT IS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN?
a: grayish mauve
b: checkered
c: asphalt
d: skin?
3: MY IDEA OF A VERY CLEAN ANIMAL IS:
a: my cat!!!!
b: my cooter
d: wet donkey
e: my loving mother
4: I BELIEVE THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO:
a: west texas
b: shoving an exacto knife deep into my femoral artery
c: friendliness
d: worms
5: WHAT WOULD I SAY IS MY WORST HYGIENE "NO NO."
a: rolling around in dead animals at the park
b: rolling around in unhulled wheatberries and passing myself off as a granola bar
c: demanding that bus patrons smell me
d: not wiping after eating
answers:
a: You are so clean!
b: you are so dirty! dirty naughty dirty dirty FILTHY you naughty filthy bird!
c: you are miss universe 1986.
d: you are missing your bus. go catch it!
No problem is too pungent or too dainty! Please send all RADvice questions to:
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
I want to shave my cooter but I don't want the nasty rash that follows. Any advice?
~Big Black and Beautiful.
Dear BBB.
I think this is a perfectly valid question! Many women are faced with this dilemma every day, and have suffered greatly because of well-intentioned but antiquated advice. (missing labia lips and nicked earlobes come to mind) (hey remember back in the 40's when fashion mavens convinced women that "cooter" actually meant "ear?" this is why nobody was born in 1943 think about it!!!) However, answering this question myself might just make me blush so I will turn it over to the experts at Muff-B-Gone Salon on Chestnut Street. Here's Taffy, she's got 10 years of exfoliating, shaving, waxing and plucking experience under her (hairless mohair) belt!
Hi BBB!
Cute name. welcome to our salon! Please have a seat and get comfortable before we remove your muff.
sencha? fuzo? do you like vanity fair magazine? they've got that article about lindsay lohans drunken tattoo binge, what WILL that girl do next, lol!
Or maybe you'd rather look through a catalogue of all your muff-b-gone options! For instance, this year there's a definate buddhist flair to our hair removal. maybe you want an adorable little buddha head carved into your cooter? Actually here at Muff-B-Gone we don't say cooter as it's often confused with "earlobe." For the record we also don't use the words "pain" or "rip" or "OHMYGODSHEHASNOOOOOIDEATHETORT
I hope you have found this helpful.
Love Taffy!
(Your friendly hair representative at Muff-B-Gone)
Muff-B-Gone! helping you look more like an 8 year old girl every day!
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for acne? No, no not to get rid of it but to get it! I have been trying for weeks to add oils to my skin for some acne so I can look like my big sister. do you think olive oil might work? what about butter?
signed
sad little sissie.
Dear sissie.
While it might be fun to rub butter all over your skin for recreational purposes, I do not recommend it if you're serious about emulating your sister. Unfortunately, the best way to develop acne is to go through puberty. Puberty is something that hopefully you've learned about by now through health pamphlets and embarassed guestures from your parents. But assuming your parents are religious or uptight or dead, I will tell you that PUBERTY has to do with the pituitary gland in your brain producing hormones that cause hair to grow that will eventually be painfully removed. It is also responsible for "no goodnik attitudes" and periods. And also, (hooray!) acne!
So what you need to do is begin taking hormones. Now, I know it might be hard for an 8 year old girl to purchase hormones, so I will let you in on a secret: CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. Yes, if you eat at least 2 BUCKETS of CHICKEN MCNUGGETS a day you will begin to go through puberty. It's a fact! You will grow a nice shiny coat. your voice will change. but best of all you'll have some "acne vulgaris" that will rival ANY real teenage girl.
Happy trails!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Is it advisable to insert soap rectally?
signed
clean on the inside too!
Dear clean on the inside...
well, I can't think of a better use for those decorative bath beads nobody ever really uses, can you?!!!
just be careful of your colon! if one got lodged up there it could create a "mobile bubble bath" effect at work or wherever you experience flatulence eruptions. One at a time, buddy!
Dear Een
LIke, are you just really obsessed with asses or what? maybe you had some warped sorta good touch/bad touch from when you were a kid, cuz I just do not get it!
Signed
Assless and sassy
Dear assless
I find your lack of ass VERY HOT. Infact if you wore some assless chaps this would mean your ENTIRE posterior would be see-through! And if you then sat down your entirety would dissolve through the floor. Wow. can I make out with you?
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
i brush my hair 100 strokes a day to make it grow, and now it's falling out in chunks! and by hair i mean penis. help!
Signed,
falling to pieces
Dear falling.
My perscription, according to a medical text book I just found from the 1920's is an all-milk bath.
But I would recommend slowing down your strokes to a good 1 per second to see if that helps at all.
Breck Conditioner is also helpful but use it in the shower!
I hope your hair grows very long indeed. Send me a picture!
your pal,
een
Dear Eenleen,
How can I tell when I'm clean enough? I try very hard with the strong bristles and lava soap, but I still see nothing but a pile of dirt when I look in the mirror. Should i switch to bleach?
signed
so dirty indeed
Dear so dirty...
Lucky for you there was a special test invented in the 1970's, written by the Guiness Book of World Records "Worlds Dirtiest Man" who lived in his 5th grade boy scout uniform until he was 28 and didn't bathe or shower ONCE!!!! only to return from the military with a scary OCD cleanliness fetish that included inserting soap into his own rectum regularly and frequent "alcohol" fasts..
Taken from "Clean Up Yo Mad Scene!" magazine, april 1979.
AM I CLEAN ENOUGH?
1: WHAT IS MY SMELL TODAY?
a: bleach
b: wet rags and cheerios
c: mayonnaise
d: mothers apron
2: WHAT IS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN?
a: grayish mauve
b: checkered
c: asphalt
d: skin?
3: MY IDEA OF A VERY CLEAN ANIMAL IS:
a: my cat!!!!
b: my cooter
d: wet donkey
e: my loving mother
4: I BELIEVE THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO:
a: west texas
b: shoving an exacto knife deep into my femoral artery
c: friendliness
d: worms
5: WHAT WOULD I SAY IS MY WORST HYGIENE "NO NO."
a: rolling around in dead animals at the park
b: rolling around in unhulled wheatberries and passing myself off as a granola bar
c: demanding that bus patrons smell me
d: not wiping after eating
answers:
a: You are so clean!
b: you are so dirty! dirty naughty dirty dirty FILTHY you naughty filthy bird!
c: you are miss universe 1986.
d: you are missing your bus. go catch it!
No problem is too pungent or too dainty! Please send all RADvice questions to:
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Friday, June 8, 2007
RADvice! Religion
Dear Radvice een.
Why does god make bad things happen to good people? Also, should I laminate my wife? In the bible it says I should.
Signed
Laminatornaught?
Dearest Laminatornaught,
I think you mean Ecclesiastes 9:8 Which states
And the flaccid bosoms of Abraham smite the thieves in the temple
and burst forth without sin
the dead in sheol listeneth to old skool prince
and worship at my wifes fabled shrine?
They meant shrine, not shine I think but laminator machines are coming down in cost, and your wife's kinda kinky so let me know what happens!
your pal,
een
Dear Eensblog,
Can you tell me the difference between immaculate conception and a virgin birth?
Every girl I go out with fails to explain this to me while I am telekinetically blessing her with my seed and she's shouting oh god yes yes yes oh jesus i am having a virgin birth! when she really means an orgasm??!!!!. Why don't chicks know the difference? are they faking it?
Signed
Pope Williams Aero-spermfloat III
Dearest Pope Williams
well. It all goes back to the holy sea.
in otherwords, the vagina.
Everything in one way or another goes back to the vagina.
When we die, and people say they "went into the light" they mean they went into the vagina.
Along with dead loved ones and jesus and a few angels, the vagina contains many unborn fetuses created from your telekinetic sperm.
If the fetuses grow to term and are born, then you will have what's called a "child."
If the child is born with extra eyes it will be considered "immaculate."
And yes, you still have to pay child support on an immaculate (i.e. deformed) child.
In fact, the holy sea charges interest on exra interest on extra facial features.
Start saving up now!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
I am having a hard time telling if I'm having a "holy ecstasy" right now or a seizure, Can you helP?
signed
Seizure or Scripture?
Dear Seizure or Scripture,
Well, color me rosy! back in the 1970's when religious epiphanies reached their peak in popularity due to the cute animated films "davey and goliath"--- a smart woman by the name of Williamette Samson wrote a book called "Grand Mal-adies-A guide through your seizure and/or religious awakening." (knopf publishing, 1976)
AM I HAVING A SEIZURE OR AN EPIPHANY?
1: What am I thinking about when I'm writhing on the floor of the produce aisle at safeway?
a: my safeway clubcard being mangled by my fall
b: the battle of algiers
c: my tongue going down the hot deli guy's throat
d: my tongue going down my own throat
2: Why am I blacking out completely?
a: I have epilepsy
b: I am drunk
c: I am fervent
d: I am lindsay lohan
3: What sorts of things am I shouting incoherently while I black out?
a: I HAVE EPILEPSY! CALL A DOCTOR!
b: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!
c: LIFE IS DANDY, BRIGHT AND FULL OF MEANING!
d: I AM A LITTLE SNAIL UNDER THE PAW PAW TREE!!!
4: What are the people around me doing right now?
a: trying to save my life
b: trying to be saved by jesus
c: saving money for an awesome trip to cancun
d: having a virgin birth
5: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your shaking and blackouts in proportion to the number of bible verses you can memorize on a train ride to Eugene, Oregon?
Answers:
Mostly a's: You are having a seizure
b's: you are having an epiphany
c's: you are well on your way to financial security using the AAA pension plan
mostly d's: you are total and complete miscreant and I fucking love you for that.
Dear Eenleenicecream,
ummm....I'm pretty sure that REM ripped off the song "losing my religion" from my highschool band NadsThrashRRR back in 1990.
I'm sending you a CD but you can totally see for yourself:
SONG TITLE: BLOOD UNDER BLEACHERS
ohhhhhh life
is deeper
deeper than my pain
and you are not named
the shame that we all go through
the wickeness inside
oh no
i bled too much
I haven't bled enough
that's me in the corner
that's me under the bleachers
losing all my life blood
the slip, it's rough
I fall into the pool
i think I knew I know you
my ache you feel insideeeeee....
what do you think?????
Signed
Drummer for NadsThrashRR
Dear Drummer,
I think you have a lawsuit there! go for it!
Thanks for the CD-so far my favorite song is "WATERHELLIONS PICNIC". You should send it to Crispin Glover!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Well, I am having a conflict of faith. I was raised Jewish but I have a strong pull towards the rituals and pageantry of the catholic church, specifically the outfits of altar boys. No no no, I don't mean the altar boys themselves!!! I mean. I like dressing up in a little white gown and confessing my sins to this man at the produce market who looks like Gregory Peck from "The Omen."
Am I betraying my chosen jewish people by doing this?
Signed
OyVe(y)stial Virgins!
Dear OyVe(y)
The question is, do YOU think you are betraying your people? and why do you think you would NOT betray your people by doing these sorts of things? Is it possible to betray anyone, knowing that you have betrayed yourself time and time again in your own heart?
And are you wearing the little gown right now? Is it an adult altar-boy costume, or a child-sized one that you squeeze yourself into and fits you nice and snug around your bulging arms?
these are all good questions, no?
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Do you believe in god?
signed
Jackson from tampa aged 6 and 3 months.
Dear Jackson
I believe in only one thing in this world: YOU.
Why does god make bad things happen to good people? Also, should I laminate my wife? In the bible it says I should.
Signed
Laminatornaught?
Dearest Laminatornaught,
I think you mean Ecclesiastes 9:8 Which states
And the flaccid bosoms of Abraham smite the thieves in the temple
and burst forth without sin
the dead in sheol listeneth to old skool prince
and worship at my wifes fabled shrine?
They meant shrine, not shine I think but laminator machines are coming down in cost, and your wife's kinda kinky so let me know what happens!
your pal,
een
Dear Eensblog,
Can you tell me the difference between immaculate conception and a virgin birth?
Every girl I go out with fails to explain this to me while I am telekinetically blessing her with my seed and she's shouting oh god yes yes yes oh jesus i am having a virgin birth! when she really means an orgasm??!!!!. Why don't chicks know the difference? are they faking it?
Signed
Pope Williams Aero-spermfloat III
Dearest Pope Williams
well. It all goes back to the holy sea.
in otherwords, the vagina.
Everything in one way or another goes back to the vagina.
When we die, and people say they "went into the light" they mean they went into the vagina.
Along with dead loved ones and jesus and a few angels, the vagina contains many unborn fetuses created from your telekinetic sperm.
If the fetuses grow to term and are born, then you will have what's called a "child."
If the child is born with extra eyes it will be considered "immaculate."
And yes, you still have to pay child support on an immaculate (i.e. deformed) child.
In fact, the holy sea charges interest on exra interest on extra facial features.
Start saving up now!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
I am having a hard time telling if I'm having a "holy ecstasy" right now or a seizure, Can you helP?
signed
Seizure or Scripture?
Dear Seizure or Scripture,
Well, color me rosy! back in the 1970's when religious epiphanies reached their peak in popularity due to the cute animated films "davey and goliath"--- a smart woman by the name of Williamette Samson wrote a book called "Grand Mal-adies-A guide through your seizure and/or religious awakening." (knopf publishing, 1976)
AM I HAVING A SEIZURE OR AN EPIPHANY?
1: What am I thinking about when I'm writhing on the floor of the produce aisle at safeway?
a: my safeway clubcard being mangled by my fall
b: the battle of algiers
c: my tongue going down the hot deli guy's throat
d: my tongue going down my own throat
2: Why am I blacking out completely?
a: I have epilepsy
b: I am drunk
c: I am fervent
d: I am lindsay lohan
3: What sorts of things am I shouting incoherently while I black out?
a: I HAVE EPILEPSY! CALL A DOCTOR!
b: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!
c: LIFE IS DANDY, BRIGHT AND FULL OF MEANING!
d: I AM A LITTLE SNAIL UNDER THE PAW PAW TREE!!!
4: What are the people around me doing right now?
a: trying to save my life
b: trying to be saved by jesus
c: saving money for an awesome trip to cancun
d: having a virgin birth
5: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your shaking and blackouts in proportion to the number of bible verses you can memorize on a train ride to Eugene, Oregon?
Answers:
Mostly a's: You are having a seizure
b's: you are having an epiphany
c's: you are well on your way to financial security using the AAA pension plan
mostly d's: you are total and complete miscreant and I fucking love you for that.
Dear Eenleenicecream,
ummm....I'm pretty sure that REM ripped off the song "losing my religion" from my highschool band NadsThrashRRR back in 1990.
I'm sending you a CD but you can totally see for yourself:
SONG TITLE: BLOOD UNDER BLEACHERS
ohhhhhh life
is deeper
deeper than my pain
and you are not named
the shame that we all go through
the wickeness inside
oh no
i bled too much
I haven't bled enough
that's me in the corner
that's me under the bleachers
losing all my life blood
the slip, it's rough
I fall into the pool
i think I knew I know you
my ache you feel insideeeeee....
what do you think?????
Signed
Drummer for NadsThrashRR
Dear Drummer,
I think you have a lawsuit there! go for it!
Thanks for the CD-so far my favorite song is "WATERHELLIONS PICNIC". You should send it to Crispin Glover!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Well, I am having a conflict of faith. I was raised Jewish but I have a strong pull towards the rituals and pageantry of the catholic church, specifically the outfits of altar boys. No no no, I don't mean the altar boys themselves!!! I mean. I like dressing up in a little white gown and confessing my sins to this man at the produce market who looks like Gregory Peck from "The Omen."
Am I betraying my chosen jewish people by doing this?
Signed
OyVe(y)stial Virgins!
Dear OyVe(y)
The question is, do YOU think you are betraying your people? and why do you think you would NOT betray your people by doing these sorts of things? Is it possible to betray anyone, knowing that you have betrayed yourself time and time again in your own heart?
And are you wearing the little gown right now? Is it an adult altar-boy costume, or a child-sized one that you squeeze yourself into and fits you nice and snug around your bulging arms?
these are all good questions, no?
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Do you believe in god?
signed
Jackson from tampa aged 6 and 3 months.
Dear Jackson
I believe in only one thing in this world: YOU.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
RADvice! Pet Care
Dear Een,
My hermit crab and my cat have a special kinda relationship let's just say. One day I watched in horror as my cat gently lifted the lid of the pot, dipped his head in the boiling water and took out my hermit crab from his bath. At first I thought cool, the cat's gonna eat the fucking crab let's see what happens ha ha but no instead he carried the crab in his mouth and brought him out to the pond and placed him on a little boat and sent him floating down stream. fuckin aye, right?!!
A few days later the hermit crab returned with three other hermit crabs and they were all wearing dolls clothes and singing "endless love" while they took turns crawling in and out of my cats rectum. I know this is hard to believe but I think my cat is having fun and maybe they're giving him some weird fucking enema or something. Have you experienced this before?
Signed, Crabbypants
Dear Crabbypants.
I have not personally had hermit crabs crawling in and out of my orifice but I can guess it would be cleansing-much like a poor mans colonic fast! as for advice, I suggest you stop giving your hermit crabs hot baths on your stove and start giving them baths in the microwave. crabs like microwaves.
your pal,
een
When my boyfriend suggested that we have a threesome with my dog Twitty (he calls her "titty), I thought sure why not! Oh, what a mistake. Since our little experiment, he has started taking Twitty on long walks after dark and buys her gifts that he hides from me (I found a receipt - he spent $350 at the Petsmart on canine accessories!). Last night I found a diamond ring in his dresser but it shaped for a paw. I am terrified that I am going to lose the man of my dreams to my best friend. It's a double betrayal. What should I do?
Signed,
Not sure who to hate more
Dear Not Sure,
I think you should stop feeling so betrayed and instead learn the merits of Polyamory! Get with the times, man! This is San Francisco in the year 2007! Your jealousy indicates you have not yet evolved. Darwin would cry. Let's get radically honest, shall we? LOVE KNOWS NO OWNERSHIP OR NO BOUNDARIES. For instance, just because I locked my last several boyfriends in a small rusty holding crate in an abandoned barn south of gilroy DOES NOT mean that I felt I "owned" them. I just gave them an "alternative sort of freedom." Freedom is your mantra, Not Sure. FREEDOM! Next time you see your husband at a fancy restaurant with your pooch, join tell them you're ready to "evolve" and promptly mount both of them in tandem. For Freedom! for DARWIN!!!!
your very evolved pal,
een
Dear mr. advice,
If I took the sperm from a cat and put it inside a cow, what kind of craaaaaaaazy animal would I make?
signed
mad scientist
Dear Scientist,
A snake.
dear Een
I am embarassed by my "dogs" behavior in the park. she spends lots of time rolling in dead birds, and "sniffing the privates" of other dogs and even defecating in wide-open places for all to see!!!!!!????????? i even have a special dog "potty" i bring for mom to use in the park (a folgers coffee tin decorated with humerous paw-print decals!!!!) but she seems to prefer exposing herself. my mom never did this when we took her to the park as kids! is she just "getting on" in years?
Signed
Doggone embarassed
Dear Doggone Embarassed,
Your mom sounds fun! can I have her number?
Dear Een
my goldfish has something that looks like a baby corn hanging out of it's butt. What is it, yo. poop? eggs? corn???
signed
what is coming out of my fish?
Dear What is coming out,
Please have your goldfish examined immediately by an aquatologist, and if not an aquatologist than a retired skipper. This could be serious!
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
My mom won't let me get a dog she bought me a rock. she says that if I can take care of the rock I can get a dog. but my rock got stole by some bullies so what do I just get a rock that looks like the old rock and put the same leash and collar on it or tell my mom the truth?
from spencer age 7
Dear Spencer, You should always tell the truth. because if you don't jesus will cut off your fingers and replace them with mushrooms! actually this sounds really cool! you should totally lie. take a picture for me!
your pallio,
een
Dear Eeeeeen!
My goldfish is now floating upsidedown with THREE BABY CORNS hanging out of it's butt, yo. Should I feed it?
Signed
three corns now,
Dear Three Corns,
This is the miracle of life otherwise known as "death."
your pal,
een
Dear Een, do you have a pet? yes/no??
Signed
Dalphina in Daly City
Dear Dalphina,
along with several freshly bathed hermit crabs, een has one cat who is always on the verge of dying and follows her around the house either barfing or spurting blood from an exploded abcess. his name is henry and he is 7 years old this july if he lives that long. his favorite color is green and his favorite food is hills perscription diet.
your pal,
een
My hermit crab and my cat have a special kinda relationship let's just say. One day I watched in horror as my cat gently lifted the lid of the pot, dipped his head in the boiling water and took out my hermit crab from his bath. At first I thought cool, the cat's gonna eat the fucking crab let's see what happens ha ha but no instead he carried the crab in his mouth and brought him out to the pond and placed him on a little boat and sent him floating down stream. fuckin aye, right?!!
A few days later the hermit crab returned with three other hermit crabs and they were all wearing dolls clothes and singing "endless love" while they took turns crawling in and out of my cats rectum. I know this is hard to believe but I think my cat is having fun and maybe they're giving him some weird fucking enema or something. Have you experienced this before?
Signed, Crabbypants
Dear Crabbypants.
I have not personally had hermit crabs crawling in and out of my orifice but I can guess it would be cleansing-much like a poor mans colonic fast! as for advice, I suggest you stop giving your hermit crabs hot baths on your stove and start giving them baths in the microwave. crabs like microwaves.
your pal,
een
When my boyfriend suggested that we have a threesome with my dog Twitty (he calls her "titty), I thought sure why not! Oh, what a mistake. Since our little experiment, he has started taking Twitty on long walks after dark and buys her gifts that he hides from me (I found a receipt - he spent $350 at the Petsmart on canine accessories!). Last night I found a diamond ring in his dresser but it shaped for a paw. I am terrified that I am going to lose the man of my dreams to my best friend. It's a double betrayal. What should I do?
Signed,
Not sure who to hate more
Dear Not Sure,
I think you should stop feeling so betrayed and instead learn the merits of Polyamory! Get with the times, man! This is San Francisco in the year 2007! Your jealousy indicates you have not yet evolved. Darwin would cry. Let's get radically honest, shall we? LOVE KNOWS NO OWNERSHIP OR NO BOUNDARIES. For instance, just because I locked my last several boyfriends in a small rusty holding crate in an abandoned barn south of gilroy DOES NOT mean that I felt I "owned" them. I just gave them an "alternative sort of freedom." Freedom is your mantra, Not Sure. FREEDOM! Next time you see your husband at a fancy restaurant with your pooch, join tell them you're ready to "evolve" and promptly mount both of them in tandem. For Freedom! for DARWIN!!!!
your very evolved pal,
een
Dear mr. advice,
If I took the sperm from a cat and put it inside a cow, what kind of craaaaaaaazy animal would I make?
signed
mad scientist
Dear Scientist,
A snake.
dear Een
I am embarassed by my "dogs" behavior in the park. she spends lots of time rolling in dead birds, and "sniffing the privates" of other dogs and even defecating in wide-open places for all to see!!!!!!????????? i even have a special dog "potty" i bring for mom to use in the park (a folgers coffee tin decorated with humerous paw-print decals!!!!) but she seems to prefer exposing herself. my mom never did this when we took her to the park as kids! is she just "getting on" in years?
Signed
Doggone embarassed
Dear Doggone Embarassed,
Your mom sounds fun! can I have her number?
Dear Een
my goldfish has something that looks like a baby corn hanging out of it's butt. What is it, yo. poop? eggs? corn???
signed
what is coming out of my fish?
Dear What is coming out,
Please have your goldfish examined immediately by an aquatologist, and if not an aquatologist than a retired skipper. This could be serious!
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
My mom won't let me get a dog she bought me a rock. she says that if I can take care of the rock I can get a dog. but my rock got stole by some bullies so what do I just get a rock that looks like the old rock and put the same leash and collar on it or tell my mom the truth?
from spencer age 7
Dear Spencer, You should always tell the truth. because if you don't jesus will cut off your fingers and replace them with mushrooms! actually this sounds really cool! you should totally lie. take a picture for me!
your pallio,
een
Dear Eeeeeen!
My goldfish is now floating upsidedown with THREE BABY CORNS hanging out of it's butt, yo. Should I feed it?
Signed
three corns now,
Dear Three Corns,
This is the miracle of life otherwise known as "death."
your pal,
een
Dear Een, do you have a pet? yes/no??
Signed
Dalphina in Daly City
Dear Dalphina,
along with several freshly bathed hermit crabs, een has one cat who is always on the verge of dying and follows her around the house either barfing or spurting blood from an exploded abcess. his name is henry and he is 7 years old this july if he lives that long. his favorite color is green and his favorite food is hills perscription diet.
your pal,
een
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
RADvice! Sex and Pregnancy
Dear Een,
How can I pleas my lady?
Signed
Ledd
Dear Ledd,
The first thing you can do to please your lady is to not be an asshole.
Remember, ladies who love assholes have scat fetishes and since we've alll seen Fadrianas lesbian scheisser video by now, you know the kind of person I'm talking about, right? Asks you frequently about your bowel movements, first as a ruse to determine if you're getting enough fiber, then as an out and out proposition...Then the sickening realization that perhaps your coworker is not actually bulimic but is only drinking from the toilet. That sort of thing. A disgrace! Is this the type of woman you really want to have sex with?
anyways, what were we discussing?
Oh yes.You should definitely floss at least once a day.
your pal,
een
Dear Eenus,
some bloke blew his beans up my muff. what to do?
desperately,
Dawn Tinsley.
Dear Dawn,
I will refrain from any reference to "pork" or "weenies." at this juncture in our conversation, and instead turn over the question to none other than my loving mother. As she has experience with such things during her gestation of the fetus Een 32 years ago.
Dear dawn.
I know that you must be awfully scared right now, but I want you to know that you have options. When I was pregnant with the fetus Een 32 years ago I strongly considered having an abortion because I had several dreams involving flaming tadpoles with blonde hair telling me that satans child would soon reign supreme over the land. But luckily I had many psychedelic drugs to help me forget about this and now, look at my daughter, isn't she lovely? *cries of pain* she's very very....lovely...and *sounds of flesh being singed* s-s-s-ssmart.
In conclusion, you have options and I am here for you with open arms.
Your pal
eens mom
Dear EensBlog,
I think I am having sex right now but how can I tell for sure?
Signed, Confused.
Dear Confused.
Lucky for you, there are manuals to consult for such things. Whoever told you that there is no guidebooks for life is a lying liarface liarpants!
Ask yourself the following questions to help yourself determine if you are indeed having sex.
AM I HAVING SEX?
1: Are my genitals swollen and leaking?
If Yes, either:
a: I have ghonorreah
b: I am having sex
c: I am urinating in a small jar
If No.
I am reading a book in the sun.
2: when I look into the mirror do my buttocks seem to be thrusting into human flesh?
If Yes either:
a: I am having a seizure
b: I am having sex
c: I am "dirty" dancing.
If No:
I am sleeping.
3: Am I having an orgasm?
if Yes, either:
a: I am having a seizure
b: I am having sex
c: I am praying
If No
I'm probably buying those new keens I've been wanting for awhile now.
4: Am I shouting OH GOD YES YES YES OH GOD I AM RIGHT NOW THIS VERY MOMENT HAVING SEXXXXXXXXXX!
If Yes either:
a: I am praying
b: i am having sex
c: I am lonely
If No
I am misting my ferns.
5: Does there seem to be at least one other person either under/ontop of me or shooting hot liquids into/onto my body?
a: I am having sex
b: i am trapped in a port a potty
c: i am trapped on muni
if No I am watching reruns of all in the family on TV.
Dear SchwEen
I accidentally blew my beans up some bird's muff. what to do?
Regretably,
Monkey Allen
Dear Monkey,
I wish to experess my extreme condolences in your recent loss of beans. do you know that bean loss is the leading cause of angina? and no. there's no sick joke or pun here. what kind of jokester do you take me for, eh? eH? weisenheimer.
I think the best thing for you do is start stocking your pantry with new beans.
and when I say pantry I mean your urethra.
yes you heard me.
start with lentils and end with fava.
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
this response has been cancelled due to recent pregnancy.
your pal,
een
Dear Eens
I have many pregnancies but all in my mind. I would like to make a real child by hay and soft cheese for a manger scene. Do you recommend I use brie or camembert?
Signed,
Want so much.
Dear Want so much,
definately camembert. We all know baby jesus loves him some stanky cheese.
Dear Een
What do you know about bears? I saw grizzly man recently and I was kinda turned on by the idea of a bear eating my body limb by limb. Should I dress up like a sexy she-bear? Any special incence I can burn?
Signed
"Bear"ly Alive!
Dear "Bear"ly!
I don't think dressing up like a she-bear will help you attract a bear. At least not in san francisco. Your best bet is hanging out the The Eagle tavern while wearing chaps, a fake penis, and a brown towel. Good luck getting eaten!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
What are your biggest "turn ons"?
signed
aaaaa secretttt adddmiirrrerrrrrrrr.
Dear "secret."
Advice columns. engorged to the point of bursting.
your pal,
een
How can I pleas my lady?
Signed
Ledd
Dear Ledd,
The first thing you can do to please your lady is to not be an asshole.
Remember, ladies who love assholes have scat fetishes and since we've alll seen Fadrianas lesbian scheisser video by now, you know the kind of person I'm talking about, right? Asks you frequently about your bowel movements, first as a ruse to determine if you're getting enough fiber, then as an out and out proposition...Then the sickening realization that perhaps your coworker is not actually bulimic but is only drinking from the toilet. That sort of thing. A disgrace! Is this the type of woman you really want to have sex with?
anyways, what were we discussing?
Oh yes.You should definitely floss at least once a day.
your pal,
een
Dear Eenus,
some bloke blew his beans up my muff. what to do?
desperately,
Dawn Tinsley.
Dear Dawn,
I will refrain from any reference to "pork" or "weenies." at this juncture in our conversation, and instead turn over the question to none other than my loving mother. As she has experience with such things during her gestation of the fetus Een 32 years ago.
Dear dawn.
I know that you must be awfully scared right now, but I want you to know that you have options. When I was pregnant with the fetus Een 32 years ago I strongly considered having an abortion because I had several dreams involving flaming tadpoles with blonde hair telling me that satans child would soon reign supreme over the land. But luckily I had many psychedelic drugs to help me forget about this and now, look at my daughter, isn't she lovely? *cries of pain* she's very very....lovely...and *sounds of flesh being singed* s-s-s-ssmart.
In conclusion, you have options and I am here for you with open arms.
Your pal
eens mom
Dear EensBlog,
I think I am having sex right now but how can I tell for sure?
Signed, Confused.
Dear Confused.
Lucky for you, there are manuals to consult for such things. Whoever told you that there is no guidebooks for life is a lying liarface liarpants!
Ask yourself the following questions to help yourself determine if you are indeed having sex.
AM I HAVING SEX?
1: Are my genitals swollen and leaking?
If Yes, either:
a: I have ghonorreah
b: I am having sex
c: I am urinating in a small jar
If No.
I am reading a book in the sun.
2: when I look into the mirror do my buttocks seem to be thrusting into human flesh?
If Yes either:
a: I am having a seizure
b: I am having sex
c: I am "dirty" dancing.
If No:
I am sleeping.
3: Am I having an orgasm?
if Yes, either:
a: I am having a seizure
b: I am having sex
c: I am praying
If No
I'm probably buying those new keens I've been wanting for awhile now.
4: Am I shouting OH GOD YES YES YES OH GOD I AM RIGHT NOW THIS VERY MOMENT HAVING SEXXXXXXXXXX!
If Yes either:
a: I am praying
b: i am having sex
c: I am lonely
If No
I am misting my ferns.
5: Does there seem to be at least one other person either under/ontop of me or shooting hot liquids into/onto my body?
a: I am having sex
b: i am trapped in a port a potty
c: i am trapped on muni
if No I am watching reruns of all in the family on TV.
Dear SchwEen
I accidentally blew my beans up some bird's muff. what to do?
Regretably,
Monkey Allen
Dear Monkey,
I wish to experess my extreme condolences in your recent loss of beans. do you know that bean loss is the leading cause of angina? and no. there's no sick joke or pun here. what kind of jokester do you take me for, eh? eH? weisenheimer.
I think the best thing for you do is start stocking your pantry with new beans.
and when I say pantry I mean your urethra.
yes you heard me.
start with lentils and end with fava.
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
this response has been cancelled due to recent pregnancy.
your pal,
een
Dear Eens
I have many pregnancies but all in my mind. I would like to make a real child by hay and soft cheese for a manger scene. Do you recommend I use brie or camembert?
Signed,
Want so much.
Dear Want so much,
definately camembert. We all know baby jesus loves him some stanky cheese.
Dear Een
What do you know about bears? I saw grizzly man recently and I was kinda turned on by the idea of a bear eating my body limb by limb. Should I dress up like a sexy she-bear? Any special incence I can burn?
Signed
"Bear"ly Alive!
Dear "Bear"ly!
I don't think dressing up like a she-bear will help you attract a bear. At least not in san francisco. Your best bet is hanging out the The Eagle tavern while wearing chaps, a fake penis, and a brown towel. Good luck getting eaten!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
What are your biggest "turn ons"?
signed
aaaaa secretttt adddmiirrrerrrrrrrr.
Dear "secret."
Advice columns. engorged to the point of bursting.
your pal,
een
RADvice! Gout. A very inconvenient truth
Dear "Een"
What is your obsession with gout? My grandfather suffers from this ailment and it's seriously impairing his ability to wear his best sunday shoes. Why do you poke fun of it like it's Epstein-Barr syndrome or something? I'm seriously annoyed with you right now.
Signed,
Taffy.
Dear Taffy
While I lament the fact that your Grandfather is suffering, I urge you to reconsider the possible humor in his condition.
First of all, let me share some "lesser" known facts about gout that might lighten your heart and put a spring in your grandfathers (heavy, swollen, leaking) step!
1: Gout was started by the turks as a way to kill the gypsies but then used by the gypsies as a ploy to pick-pocket the sympathetic yet rich -as- fuck swiss. Poetic justice? You decide.
2: Uric deposits or "tophi" can be harvested and used to seal leaky dikes and faucets.
3: the "Toe Valve" or "PH-alanges flip!" is currently under patent, and it's distribution will mean the average citizen (including your grandfather!) (provided he does not already suffer from stage 3 phlebotomy or graves disease) will be able to consume ALL the organ meats he wishes and be able to conveniently "flip" the resulting painful tophi into a nearby receptacle where a special recycling truck will pick them up weekly for leaky dike repairs.
4: Gout does NOT result from sex with whole or partial hams, honeybaked or otherwise.
So chin up Taffy, you can be rest assured that your grandfathers condition is being researched by highly trained specialists...And if you can't see the humor in your grandfather's painful shuffling down the aisles of the church, in his quiet wimpering during his favorite shows or asking you to ring out his socks one last time before bed ..... then YOU should probably pray for someone to quickly and mercilessly dispatch of your human form. It's only because I love you that I am saying this.
Your pal,
Een
What is your obsession with gout? My grandfather suffers from this ailment and it's seriously impairing his ability to wear his best sunday shoes. Why do you poke fun of it like it's Epstein-Barr syndrome or something? I'm seriously annoyed with you right now.
Signed,
Taffy.
Dear Taffy
While I lament the fact that your Grandfather is suffering, I urge you to reconsider the possible humor in his condition.
First of all, let me share some "lesser" known facts about gout that might lighten your heart and put a spring in your grandfathers (heavy, swollen, leaking) step!
1: Gout was started by the turks as a way to kill the gypsies but then used by the gypsies as a ploy to pick-pocket the sympathetic yet rich -as- fuck swiss. Poetic justice? You decide.
2: Uric deposits or "tophi" can be harvested and used to seal leaky dikes and faucets.
3: the "Toe Valve" or "PH-alanges flip!" is currently under patent, and it's distribution will mean the average citizen (including your grandfather!) (provided he does not already suffer from stage 3 phlebotomy or graves disease) will be able to consume ALL the organ meats he wishes and be able to conveniently "flip" the resulting painful tophi into a nearby receptacle where a special recycling truck will pick them up weekly for leaky dike repairs.
4: Gout does NOT result from sex with whole or partial hams, honeybaked or otherwise.
So chin up Taffy, you can be rest assured that your grandfathers condition is being researched by highly trained specialists...And if you can't see the humor in your grandfather's painful shuffling down the aisles of the church, in his quiet wimpering during his favorite shows or asking you to ring out his socks one last time before bed ..... then YOU should probably pray for someone to quickly and mercilessly dispatch of your human form. It's only because I love you that I am saying this.
Your pal,
Een
RADvice! General advice
Dear Een,
Sometimes I fantasize about being eaten alive. Remember that "One eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Eater" song from the 1970's? As a school boy, the thought of a Purple People Eater bursting through the clouds and swooping down at me, attemping to consume me, used to give me a "wet dream."
When I mentioned to a girlfriend, years ago, that I sometimes fantasize about having her devour me for supper, along with a little soy milk and fried rice, she became deeply disturbed. From what I understand, being on the receiving end of cannibalism is a perfectly normal and relatively wide-spread fetish. Yet somehow, she made me feel shameful and dirty.
How should I broach this subject with my current girlfriend? I'm at a loss.
Yours truly,
Tasty-in-Tallahassee
Dear Tasty:
Well, I suggest you invite her over for a romantic candlelight dinner for two. For wine I suggest a nice sparkling beaujolais. For music I suggest "endless love" by lionel ritchie. For an entree I suggest either a nice wild mushroom risotto or a honeybaked ham. These things are important. God is in the details. Also, make sure you are wearing either pink or lavender as it is shown to have an aphrodesiac effect on certain farm animals, and what is your lover really but an open "maw" for your "cud." (i.e. YOU!) WHEN your girlfriend is nice and drunk and "loose" shall we say....tell her you want to "suprise" her with dessert...Have her shut her eyes, and then LEAP INTO HER MOUTH. YES LEAP INTO HER MOUTH.
I don't think your fetish for being cannibalized is all that disturbing.What's disturbing is your mixture of fried rice and soymilk. Infact it disturbs me so much I must go somewhere quiet for awhile.
your pal,
een
Dear Een:
I would like to grow one of those trendy hipster beards I keep hearing so much about! My only problem is I am an 86 year old woman in a coma. Do you recommend hormones?
Signed,
Beard-no-gro
Dear Beard:
The use of hormones is controversial and must be handled with utmost care. Your physician can recommend the right dosage for your needs. Too little and you will grow a 13 year old boy-stache and begin listening to speed metal. Too much and your beard will choke you in your sleep. It might be a good idea in the meantime to have a doctor or nurse place some cottonballs on your face so you can get the "feel" of what it's like to have a beard. Beards are not for everyone.
Your Pal, Een
Dear Mr. Advice Column,
What was it like growing up with a giant foot for a brain?
Also, is it possible to get herpes from a cantaloupe?
Signed,
Anon.
Dear Anon.
A two pronged question! My favorite!
Firstly, we at the Foot-For-Brain rights coalition refer to this disorder as "Neuropediment."
Secondly, there is nothing further to add. We like to keep to ourselves.
Lastly, I would hereby request you cease and desist all disparaging remarks on fruit or fruit related STD's. For personal reasons.
Your Pal, Een.
Dear Een:
Is it true that Jews are the master race?
Signed, H.O.P.E.F.U.L
(HEEBS OF PERFECT EVERLASTING FANCY UNDULATING LUSCIOUSNESS)
Dear H.O.P.E.F.U.L,
Yes.
Dear Een:
I notice you have a nice "tush". have you been working out?
Signed
Alexander Popor III
Dear Mr. Popor.
I must regretfully inform you that the toilet brush I purchased last week has lost all of it's bristles. This is an outrage. I demand to have my money back. I mean, how can you go about your day buying espressos and parking your car and dodging street urchins knowing that you've sold me a faulty toilet brush? I do not ask much of you. I do not ask that you offer me your seat on the bus, mop my weary brow, or whisper that you love me "deeply truly and violently" in my ear. Nor do I expect any attention of an unsavory nature. (cantaloupes and other melons come to mind).
With all due respect, I am terminating this relationship.
your pal,
een
p.s. Wait!! ..........you said "tush" not "brush?"
Well, then uh.....thanks! (blush) I never thought you'd notice.
Sometimes I fantasize about being eaten alive. Remember that "One eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Eater" song from the 1970's? As a school boy, the thought of a Purple People Eater bursting through the clouds and swooping down at me, attemping to consume me, used to give me a "wet dream."
When I mentioned to a girlfriend, years ago, that I sometimes fantasize about having her devour me for supper, along with a little soy milk and fried rice, she became deeply disturbed. From what I understand, being on the receiving end of cannibalism is a perfectly normal and relatively wide-spread fetish. Yet somehow, she made me feel shameful and dirty.
How should I broach this subject with my current girlfriend? I'm at a loss.
Yours truly,
Tasty-in-Tallahassee
Dear Tasty:
Well, I suggest you invite her over for a romantic candlelight dinner for two. For wine I suggest a nice sparkling beaujolais. For music I suggest "endless love" by lionel ritchie. For an entree I suggest either a nice wild mushroom risotto or a honeybaked ham. These things are important. God is in the details. Also, make sure you are wearing either pink or lavender as it is shown to have an aphrodesiac effect on certain farm animals, and what is your lover really but an open "maw" for your "cud." (i.e. YOU!) WHEN your girlfriend is nice and drunk and "loose" shall we say....tell her you want to "suprise" her with dessert...Have her shut her eyes, and then LEAP INTO HER MOUTH. YES LEAP INTO HER MOUTH.
I don't think your fetish for being cannibalized is all that disturbing.What's disturbing is your mixture of fried rice and soymilk. Infact it disturbs me so much I must go somewhere quiet for awhile.
your pal,
een
Dear Een:
I would like to grow one of those trendy hipster beards I keep hearing so much about! My only problem is I am an 86 year old woman in a coma. Do you recommend hormones?
Signed,
Beard-no-gro
Dear Beard:
The use of hormones is controversial and must be handled with utmost care. Your physician can recommend the right dosage for your needs. Too little and you will grow a 13 year old boy-stache and begin listening to speed metal. Too much and your beard will choke you in your sleep. It might be a good idea in the meantime to have a doctor or nurse place some cottonballs on your face so you can get the "feel" of what it's like to have a beard. Beards are not for everyone.
Your Pal, Een
Dear Mr. Advice Column,
What was it like growing up with a giant foot for a brain?
Also, is it possible to get herpes from a cantaloupe?
Signed,
Anon.
Dear Anon.
A two pronged question! My favorite!
Firstly, we at the Foot-For-Brain rights coalition refer to this disorder as "Neuropediment."
Secondly, there is nothing further to add. We like to keep to ourselves.
Lastly, I would hereby request you cease and desist all disparaging remarks on fruit or fruit related STD's. For personal reasons.
Your Pal, Een.
Dear Een:
Is it true that Jews are the master race?
Signed, H.O.P.E.F.U.L
(HEEBS OF PERFECT EVERLASTING FANCY UNDULATING LUSCIOUSNESS)
Dear H.O.P.E.F.U.L,
Yes.
Dear Een:
I notice you have a nice "tush". have you been working out?
Signed
Alexander Popor III
Dear Mr. Popor.
I must regretfully inform you that the toilet brush I purchased last week has lost all of it's bristles. This is an outrage. I demand to have my money back. I mean, how can you go about your day buying espressos and parking your car and dodging street urchins knowing that you've sold me a faulty toilet brush? I do not ask much of you. I do not ask that you offer me your seat on the bus, mop my weary brow, or whisper that you love me "deeply truly and violently" in my ear. Nor do I expect any attention of an unsavory nature. (cantaloupes and other melons come to mind).
With all due respect, I am terminating this relationship.
your pal,
een
p.s. Wait!! ..........you said "tush" not "brush?"
Well, then uh.....thanks! (blush) I never thought you'd notice.
RADvice! Your Health Problems.
I am a trained professional. Please listen to every thing I say because I have several degrees from highly esteemed universities, and also my parents are doctors and my parents parents...So sue me with abandon! I will win!
Dear Een,
I'm not sure, but I think I am having a stroke. How do i kn
Dear _____.
Let me first "stroke" your whimsy with some of the ancestral lore and remedies regarding this condition--because you know, sometimes there's a grain of truth to some of those fuddy duddy old-wives tales!
DID YOU KNOW:
......That some native american tribes thought of stroke survivors as shamans? Don't look at your stroke as an impediment, look at it as a way to show off your shapeshifting abilities! Ever wanted to be a snake or a mountain lion? Well, how about an african dik-dik?
......That Sir Edmund Grossenstein III, a very smart jew indeed, saved himself from having a stroke by reciting the entire periodic table of the elements, and when he reached the end he actually INVENTED a new element called "OHMYGODHELPMEPLEASEPLEASEIAMHAVINGASTROKEIUM."
......that by throwing a handful of beaver bones into an icy river you can actually SEE the reasons why your life is such an empty wind-whipped cave of doom?
What I'm trying to say _____________ is with strokes you just never know. Sometimes your left leg is just asleep and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the blood supply being cut off to your brain. I mean, really, I think you're just exaggerating your symptoms to gain my sympathy and you know what I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU. You're always whining "My heart is stopping....I am passing on to the spirit world...There is blood spurting from my rectum....my life is passing before me.....i'm seeing ghosts.......call 911."
Buck up and take an asprin, yo.
your pal,
een
Dear Advice
I found worms in my poop!?? What do I do?!!!
signed
I AM FREAKING OUT.
Dear I AM FREAKING OUT. I think it's completely appropriate for you to panic now. Infact, I am worried not only for you, but for your entire next of kin. My main concern is that, when the worm begins to gnaw through your stomach lining and crawls out of your body it will begin to devour whoever is closest to you.
This is why you should lock yourself into your bedroom without dinner.
I am also concerned about whether you should have a closed casket funeral or not.
On the plus side, it might be a good thing for people to know about what killed you so that they can then start support groups and stuff.
On the minus side, the mortician will have a hell of a job ahead of him, filling in your chewed-up body cavity with all that morticians putty. Factor that into your funeral expenses!
rest in peace,
your pal
een
Dear Een:
Let's say for instance that I was in a coma (I'm not but I would like to be someday!) and I wanted to die, who would I tell?
signed,
Coma-eXstatic!!
Dear Coma-eXtatic!!
Generally euthanasia is decided by your next of kin. But since you dont' appear to have any friends or family and your life is an endless series of "celeste pizza for one" meals finished off by your cat while you weep bitterly into your own lap....I'd go for the hottest nurse in the ward!
your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Usually when men reach a certain age, their guts pups out of their pants... and, why are the men from the south will wear their pants below the belly buttom while the man from the north will raise their pants up to their armpits?
Thanks
Nicolai,
Montreal, Quebec
Dear Nicolai:
Goodness me! Gut Pups are infact my biggest concern, of the last several minutes!!!!
Did you know the the consumption of gut pups has INCREASED by over 28 percent in the last six months alone?
Originally invented by Raquel Welch as a healthy replacement to the hush puppy, gut pups or "pugs" are small mealy biscuits made from wheatberries and fish meal. In the 1990's people confused them for coasters in restaurants and so they were largely ignored.... until Nicole Ritchie began using them to lose weight for her role in the film "Kids in America."
6 months later, health clinics are now being flooded with similar complaints: apnea, dizziness, and a longing to float in the ocean. When the patients are opened up and examined, the doctors are SHOCKED to discover hundreds of undigested gut pups lodged in their sub-rectal esophogal tubes. A DISGRACE!!!
Quite simply put, gut pups MUST be banned! Ask yourself Nicolai, how posessed are you by hollywood idol-worship that you must follow every inane diet trend introduced by hollywoods trashiest talent?
If you must munch on something containing fish meal, I suggest weight watchers frozen enchiladas.
Your pal,
een.
Dear Een,
I am still upset about your whimsical approach to gout.
I told my grandfather about you and he said if he ever gets well enough again, he will and I quote "Slimp drown the jiggityTOPHI and whopggg (inaudible) your bally!!"
Mostly he was upset about the hams.
Signed, Gout is not funny
Dear Gout,
I was just kidding about the hams.
Dear Advice Column:
And how is your health?
Signed, I don't really care I'm just asking out of social nicety.
Dear I don't care: Do you know that feeling of an icecream headache mixed with stabbing pains in your heart mixed with a paranoia that people are implanting radio devices in your neck while you sleep?
I don't.
your pal,
een
RADvice! The supernatural
Dear Een:
Every morning I wake up with the same supid stigmata on my hands.
Do you think I am mystical?
Signed
am I jesus or not.
Dear am i jesus or not:
Do I think you are mystical? No. Do I think you are lying to me? Yes. Do I think that Daddy's Dollars will win the Kentucky Derby this year? Possibly. Do you think I am fat? Yes you do. Does that lady at the back of the bus wear her underwear backwards because she is mentally retarded? Yes she does. Do we judge her because of this? No. Does the lady at the back of the bus think I am fat? If she weren't looking at your stigmata and asking you if you "got some stabs" from "jesus", yes. Does Daddy's Dollars ever think about retiring from racing? All the time. Usually on warm july days when the sky looks like water.
In conclusion, the answer to any question you will ever ask me again is NO NO NO.
your pal,
een
Dear Een:
My boyfriend is a Taurus and I am a Leo. Are we compatible? Also, I should mention I am a half-dead badger bleeding to death under a blackberry bush in Milwaukee, and my boyfriend is John Stamos.
Signed
Mabel
Well Mabel! I did your horoscope chart just this morning and found some VERY interesting results.
The antecedent of the retrograde in the cosmos seems to indicate that you are VERY compatible with your beau. He is the type of guy who will help you through thick and thin, and remind you when to change your toothbrush every few months! The fact that your plutos are square to eachothers marses means that on romantic dates you will find you both prefer sensual baths to mutual mastication..... And in the bedroom? oh la la! Your Taurus lover certainly knows how to stroke your (blood crusty, mottled) fur!
I'd say this is a match made in heaven! Start picking out your china patterns now! Mazel Tov!
your pal,
een
dear een:
My friends and I used a ouija board last night to try to speak to my dead grandmam.. But it didn't work because my friend kept laughing the whole time. The weird thing is now I have insense cravings for midwestern lutheran potluck food like grandmamma ate when she was alive: cold cuts, jelly salad, wolverine jerky and fresh dairy cream straight from the cows mouth. Am I posessed??? Weird.
signed
Alex Popor. III is # 1!!!!!!!!
Dear Alex,
Posession is one of the more troubling issues facing the youths of today!
Luckily, there is a reference manual for such things.
If you recall back in the 70's after the movie the Exorcist came out, local rectories were FLOODED with visits from the trendy 20 something crowd. Their complaints ranged from intense fever, public spraying, and visions of "satan flexing his biceps while tooling by in his mazzarati of death."
Bishop John Stamos Clarke wrote a book in 1977 "Die! No? Mighty! A handbook for the young and the satanically doomed."
Here are the top 5 ways to detect if you are posessed:
1: when I kneel down to say my prayers at night, do I shut my eyes and see flaming goat heads?
2: Am I spraying public areas or defecating forcibly into the cracks between the seat cushions on the BART?
3: Whenever I hear the words "Jesus" or "Mary" or "Bunny" I begin to make high pitched keening sounds and cower in the corner, clawing at my eyes.
4: I get kinda anxious around the holidays
5: I have ravenous cravings for the following foods: Raisins, entennmans bundt cakes, cold cuts, whole grain oats, mexicans, wolverine jerky, and linda mccartney's frozen dinners.
I recommend you get the to the rectory and pronto, Mr Popor!
your pal,
een
Dear advice column
Every night on my walk home, I am followed by a chimaera. I didn't mind at first, but now it has started talking and this is not okay. I enjoy a nice quiet walk home, and it's voice is that of a mating rhino. Any advice on how to rid this beast?
Mr. Dale Anderson
CEO
Dear Mr. Anderson.
What company are you the CEO of?
Dear advice:
I AM THE CEO OF YOU. (inc.)
Dear Mr. Anderson:
Well! So that explains those daily memos which I burn whenever they arrive.
Now to answer your question.
What you need to do is construct a "scary mask" out of yarn and felt.
then the next time you see the chimeera STAB IT WITH YOUR MIND while at the same time mimicking the ancient siberian winds during the rule of Ghenghis Khan.
Then with your face being scary, and your body being cold, THRUST FORWARD with all your might and scream I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!!!!
your pal,
een
dEAR ADVICE.
I do not think you understand the implications of what you're instructing me to do. Expect a memo shortly. And whatever you do DO NOT. TOUCH. THE. GREEN. STAPLER.
Signing off
DALE.
Dear Dale,
why can't you just face the fact that you are lonely and you suffer?
Dear Een of Awesomliest RADVICE you're sooooooo awesome!!!:
well gosh I just think you're advice column is just swell! how did you get your start? and also, why do I seem to have several noses all existing in different dimensions and in different colors? will this affect my love life?
Signed
Too many noses.
Dear Noses:
Well! I got my start like any advice columnist. I grew up in an orphanage and learned how to forage for grubs and mealworms to survive. Then, after having taken many psychedelic mushrooms and reading Steppenwolf 16 times, I turned at last to controlling others.
And don't worry about the noses! 9 out of 10 men report extra noses as "hot" and "foxy."
your pal,
een.
Every morning I wake up with the same supid stigmata on my hands.
Do you think I am mystical?
Signed
am I jesus or not.
Dear am i jesus or not:
Do I think you are mystical? No. Do I think you are lying to me? Yes. Do I think that Daddy's Dollars will win the Kentucky Derby this year? Possibly. Do you think I am fat? Yes you do. Does that lady at the back of the bus wear her underwear backwards because she is mentally retarded? Yes she does. Do we judge her because of this? No. Does the lady at the back of the bus think I am fat? If she weren't looking at your stigmata and asking you if you "got some stabs" from "jesus", yes. Does Daddy's Dollars ever think about retiring from racing? All the time. Usually on warm july days when the sky looks like water.
In conclusion, the answer to any question you will ever ask me again is NO NO NO.
your pal,
een
Dear Een:
My boyfriend is a Taurus and I am a Leo. Are we compatible? Also, I should mention I am a half-dead badger bleeding to death under a blackberry bush in Milwaukee, and my boyfriend is John Stamos.
Signed
Mabel
Well Mabel! I did your horoscope chart just this morning and found some VERY interesting results.
The antecedent of the retrograde in the cosmos seems to indicate that you are VERY compatible with your beau. He is the type of guy who will help you through thick and thin, and remind you when to change your toothbrush every few months! The fact that your plutos are square to eachothers marses means that on romantic dates you will find you both prefer sensual baths to mutual mastication..... And in the bedroom? oh la la! Your Taurus lover certainly knows how to stroke your (blood crusty, mottled) fur!
I'd say this is a match made in heaven! Start picking out your china patterns now! Mazel Tov!
your pal,
een
dear een:
My friends and I used a ouija board last night to try to speak to my dead grandmam.. But it didn't work because my friend kept laughing the whole time. The weird thing is now I have insense cravings for midwestern lutheran potluck food like grandmamma ate when she was alive: cold cuts, jelly salad, wolverine jerky and fresh dairy cream straight from the cows mouth. Am I posessed??? Weird.
signed
Alex Popor. III is # 1!!!!!!!!
Dear Alex,
Posession is one of the more troubling issues facing the youths of today!
Luckily, there is a reference manual for such things.
If you recall back in the 70's after the movie the Exorcist came out, local rectories were FLOODED with visits from the trendy 20 something crowd. Their complaints ranged from intense fever, public spraying, and visions of "satan flexing his biceps while tooling by in his mazzarati of death."
Bishop John Stamos Clarke wrote a book in 1977 "Die! No? Mighty! A handbook for the young and the satanically doomed."
Here are the top 5 ways to detect if you are posessed:
1: when I kneel down to say my prayers at night, do I shut my eyes and see flaming goat heads?
2: Am I spraying public areas or defecating forcibly into the cracks between the seat cushions on the BART?
3: Whenever I hear the words "Jesus" or "Mary" or "Bunny" I begin to make high pitched keening sounds and cower in the corner, clawing at my eyes.
4: I get kinda anxious around the holidays
5: I have ravenous cravings for the following foods: Raisins, entennmans bundt cakes, cold cuts, whole grain oats, mexicans, wolverine jerky, and linda mccartney's frozen dinners.
I recommend you get the to the rectory and pronto, Mr Popor!
your pal,
een
Dear advice column
Every night on my walk home, I am followed by a chimaera. I didn't mind at first, but now it has started talking and this is not okay. I enjoy a nice quiet walk home, and it's voice is that of a mating rhino. Any advice on how to rid this beast?
Mr. Dale Anderson
CEO
Dear Mr. Anderson.
What company are you the CEO of?
Dear advice:
I AM THE CEO OF YOU. (inc.)
Dear Mr. Anderson:
Well! So that explains those daily memos which I burn whenever they arrive.
Now to answer your question.
What you need to do is construct a "scary mask" out of yarn and felt.
then the next time you see the chimeera STAB IT WITH YOUR MIND while at the same time mimicking the ancient siberian winds during the rule of Ghenghis Khan.
Then with your face being scary, and your body being cold, THRUST FORWARD with all your might and scream I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!!!!
your pal,
een
dEAR ADVICE.
I do not think you understand the implications of what you're instructing me to do. Expect a memo shortly. And whatever you do DO NOT. TOUCH. THE. GREEN. STAPLER.
Signing off
DALE.
Dear Dale,
why can't you just face the fact that you are lonely and you suffer?
Dear Een of Awesomliest RADVICE you're sooooooo awesome!!!:
well gosh I just think you're advice column is just swell! how did you get your start? and also, why do I seem to have several noses all existing in different dimensions and in different colors? will this affect my love life?
Signed
Too many noses.
Dear Noses:
Well! I got my start like any advice columnist. I grew up in an orphanage and learned how to forage for grubs and mealworms to survive. Then, after having taken many psychedelic mushrooms and reading Steppenwolf 16 times, I turned at last to controlling others.
And don't worry about the noses! 9 out of 10 men report extra noses as "hot" and "foxy."
your pal,
een.
Een's RADvice! Love
Dear Een
Why do I look for love in all the wrong places? It used to be I could find a wife in my cupboard, now I have to go all the way to Daly City! I'm a busy guy with a very large manhood, what gives?!!
signed
A's Fan
Dear A's Fan,
Ahhhhh.. I would like to drop my crusty barnacle'd demeanor for once and sit very quietly and breathe with you while we shut our eyes in the dark. This is not some ploy to get you in the sack to try out tantric excercises. Instead, I would like you envision what kind of wife it is you really want. Okay...Breathe. Do you like your standard pantry wench, a trusty staple but prone to weevils? Or would you like a jar of chokecherry preserves, sweet and yet who the hell eats chokecherries? Maybe you do.Maybe you're the only chokecherry fan left and the survival of chokecherries depends on you and Al Gore alone. Now. Breathe. Deeper. Harder. Deeper. Ungh. DEEPER. Are you feeling me..... spiritually? How about now? This is called the "heart salutation" and was invented by Thicht Yuk Bunh in 1276. Soon, one of us will be radiantly pregnant with frogs.
Your Pal, Een
Dear Een
Help! I am trapped in a loveless marraige. Lately I have been having thoughts about having an affair with the PG&E man. He seems to be offering his penis to me on a regular basis but I just pretend it's a ham and tell him I have gout.
Should I tell him the truth? That I really really oh god REALLY love ham?
I'm so hungry.
Signed,
Ham-lette
Dear Ham-lette
I just learned a new joke about gout, wanna hear it? Okay, so this guy walks into a bar. And he says, he says, wait wait no, it was a lady walks into a bar. No! Yeah, a lady LIMPS into a bar and asks the bartender DO YOU HAVE ANY LARGE HAMS? And the bartender looks at her and says "Are those tophi on your feet or are you just glad to be kicking over my barstools?!!!" HA HA HA HA!!! pure gold I'm telling you. Leno, eat your heart out.
Your Pal,
Een
Dear Een:
How do you know if a boy is interested in you?
Signed
Rhodesia from Truckee
Dear Rhodesia from Truckee,
I'm so glad you asked! For back in the 1970's there was a book published called "BOY? HOWDY!" by Melody Von Kropp, a former Tufffgirl publishing reporter-turned-wildlife-expert.
"Boys are an interesting species," says Melody. "but with my reference manual handy in your pockets, you'll be able to decode their mating strategies so that you can make animal husbandry work for you, in any environment, any time!"
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT A BOY LIKES YOU
1: He places some nesting material at your feet, such as hay or yarn or owl scat.
2: When you are at a drive-in movie he will begin rubbing his pheromones on you. This is your signal to raise up your hindquarters and prepare to be mounted.
3: The mere sight of you causes him to spill his seed
4: He engages in heated horseplay with other dominant males, namely your father. This is natural and should be encouraged especially in soapy showers.
5: During lunchtime, he will create a "spawning bed" with his tater tots while staring at you with deep meaning in his eyes.
6: He's not afraid to show his male friends just how much he likes you by circling you and spraying you with urine.
7: He engages in frequent "exploded lekking" which is another word for showing up at your house at dawn to sing lionel ritchie "endless love."
8: He turns shy and purple and coughs alot
9: He vows to get a decent job so he can help feed your larvae once it's hatched.
10. He acts like a total gentleman and offers you the juiciest part of the thorax when you are sharing a candlelight dinner of fricasee and weevils.
This is only a tool for identifying the most fertile males.
Remember: If it's red, mount that "head!"
if it's green, it's been dead for a few weeks.
All good things
your pal
een.
Dear Een,
My girlfriend, whom I love very deeply, occasionally turns into Andy Rooney for about 4 seconds every week. It's usually on sunday afternoons when we're on our drive to the market, and never when we make whoopee. But I am scared that someday while we are doing our Xrated tantric parlour games for the old people outside who watch us, I will see those withered jowls wrapped around my "love wand" and never want to make love to her again!! Should I just commit suicide allready?
signed
Bruce
Dear: Bruce
did you know that Andy Rooney did an exploitation movie in the 70's called "Sexy Minutes?". Think about that. This man is a fucking beast who rips it like sheetrock. If you love your girlfriend you will love her when she is Andy Rooney and when she is just your girlfriend. I suggest you rent this movie and perhaps you will feel differently about the matter.
your pal,
een
Dear Advice:
I am a shy retarded stripper in Oklahoma. Will I ever fall in love?
signed,
Miss Big Fine
Dear Miss Big Fine
Yes. Absolutely. Like a ton of bricks.
your pal, een
Why do I look for love in all the wrong places? It used to be I could find a wife in my cupboard, now I have to go all the way to Daly City! I'm a busy guy with a very large manhood, what gives?!!
signed
A's Fan
Dear A's Fan,
Ahhhhh.. I would like to drop my crusty barnacle'd demeanor for once and sit very quietly and breathe with you while we shut our eyes in the dark. This is not some ploy to get you in the sack to try out tantric excercises. Instead, I would like you envision what kind of wife it is you really want. Okay...Breathe. Do you like your standard pantry wench, a trusty staple but prone to weevils? Or would you like a jar of chokecherry preserves, sweet and yet who the hell eats chokecherries? Maybe you do.Maybe you're the only chokecherry fan left and the survival of chokecherries depends on you and Al Gore alone. Now. Breathe. Deeper. Harder. Deeper. Ungh. DEEPER. Are you feeling me..... spiritually? How about now? This is called the "heart salutation" and was invented by Thicht Yuk Bunh in 1276. Soon, one of us will be radiantly pregnant with frogs.
Your Pal, Een
Dear Een
Help! I am trapped in a loveless marraige. Lately I have been having thoughts about having an affair with the PG&E man. He seems to be offering his penis to me on a regular basis but I just pretend it's a ham and tell him I have gout.
Should I tell him the truth? That I really really oh god REALLY love ham?
I'm so hungry.
Signed,
Ham-lette
Dear Ham-lette
I just learned a new joke about gout, wanna hear it? Okay, so this guy walks into a bar. And he says, he says, wait wait no, it was a lady walks into a bar. No! Yeah, a lady LIMPS into a bar and asks the bartender DO YOU HAVE ANY LARGE HAMS? And the bartender looks at her and says "Are those tophi on your feet or are you just glad to be kicking over my barstools?!!!" HA HA HA HA!!! pure gold I'm telling you. Leno, eat your heart out.
Your Pal,
Een
Dear Een:
How do you know if a boy is interested in you?
Signed
Rhodesia from Truckee
Dear Rhodesia from Truckee,
I'm so glad you asked! For back in the 1970's there was a book published called "BOY? HOWDY!" by Melody Von Kropp, a former Tufffgirl publishing reporter-turned-wildlife-expert.
"Boys are an interesting species," says Melody. "but with my reference manual handy in your pockets, you'll be able to decode their mating strategies so that you can make animal husbandry work for you, in any environment, any time!"
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT A BOY LIKES YOU
1: He places some nesting material at your feet, such as hay or yarn or owl scat.
2: When you are at a drive-in movie he will begin rubbing his pheromones on you. This is your signal to raise up your hindquarters and prepare to be mounted.
3: The mere sight of you causes him to spill his seed
4: He engages in heated horseplay with other dominant males, namely your father. This is natural and should be encouraged especially in soapy showers.
5: During lunchtime, he will create a "spawning bed" with his tater tots while staring at you with deep meaning in his eyes.
6: He's not afraid to show his male friends just how much he likes you by circling you and spraying you with urine.
7: He engages in frequent "exploded lekking" which is another word for showing up at your house at dawn to sing lionel ritchie "endless love."
8: He turns shy and purple and coughs alot
9: He vows to get a decent job so he can help feed your larvae once it's hatched.
10. He acts like a total gentleman and offers you the juiciest part of the thorax when you are sharing a candlelight dinner of fricasee and weevils.
This is only a tool for identifying the most fertile males.
Remember: If it's red, mount that "head!"
if it's green, it's been dead for a few weeks.
All good things
your pal
een.
Dear Een,
My girlfriend, whom I love very deeply, occasionally turns into Andy Rooney for about 4 seconds every week. It's usually on sunday afternoons when we're on our drive to the market, and never when we make whoopee. But I am scared that someday while we are doing our Xrated tantric parlour games for the old people outside who watch us, I will see those withered jowls wrapped around my "love wand" and never want to make love to her again!! Should I just commit suicide allready?
signed
Bruce
Dear: Bruce
did you know that Andy Rooney did an exploitation movie in the 70's called "Sexy Minutes?". Think about that. This man is a fucking beast who rips it like sheetrock. If you love your girlfriend you will love her when she is Andy Rooney and when she is just your girlfriend. I suggest you rent this movie and perhaps you will feel differently about the matter.
your pal,
een
Dear Advice:
I am a shy retarded stripper in Oklahoma. Will I ever fall in love?
signed,
Miss Big Fine
Dear Miss Big Fine
Yes. Absolutely. Like a ton of bricks.
your pal, een
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
