RADvice! Sex and Pregnancy

Dear Een,
How can I pleas my lady?

Signed
Ledd

Dear Ledd,
The first thing you can do to please your lady is to not be an asshole.
Remember, ladies who love assholes have scat fetishes and since we've alll seen Fadrianas lesbian scheisser video by now, you know the kind of person I'm talking about, right? Asks you frequently about your bowel movements, first as a ruse to determine if you're getting enough fiber, then as an out and out proposition...Then the sickening realization that perhaps your coworker is not actually bulimic but is only drinking from the toilet. That sort of thing. A disgrace! Is this the type of woman you really want to have sex with?
anyways, what were we discussing?
Oh yes.You should definitely floss at least once a day.

your pal,
een


Dear Eenus,
some bloke blew his beans up my muff. what to do?

desperately,
Dawn Tinsley.


Dear Dawn,

I will refrain from any reference to "pork" or "weenies." at this juncture in our conversation, and instead turn over the question to none other than my loving mother. As she has experience with such things during her gestation of the fetus Een 32 years ago.

Dear dawn.
I know that you must be awfully scared right now, but I want you to know that you have options. When I was pregnant with the fetus Een 32 years ago I strongly considered having an abortion because I had several dreams involving flaming tadpoles with blonde hair telling me that satans child would soon reign supreme over the land. But luckily I had many psychedelic drugs to help me forget about this and now, look at my daughter, isn't she lovely? *cries of pain* she's very very....lovely...and *sounds of flesh being singed* s-s-s-ssmart.
In conclusion, you have options and I am here for you with open arms.

Your pal
eens mom


Dear EensBlog,

I think I am having sex right now but how can I tell for sure?
Signed, Confused.

Dear Confused.

Lucky for you, there are manuals to consult for such things. Whoever told you that there is no guidebooks for life is a lying liarface liarpants!

Ask yourself the following questions to help yourself determine if you are indeed having sex.

AM I HAVING SEX?

1: Are my genitals swollen and leaking?

If Yes, either:

a: I have ghonorreah
b: I am having sex
c: I am urinating in a small jar

If No.

I am reading a book in the sun.


2: when I look into the mirror do my buttocks seem to be thrusting into human flesh?

If Yes either:
a: I am having a seizure
b: I am having sex
c: I am "dirty" dancing.

If No:

I am sleeping.


3: Am I having an orgasm?

if Yes, either:

a: I am having a seizure
b: I am having sex
c: I am praying

If No
I'm probably buying those new keens I've been wanting for awhile now.

4: Am I shouting OH GOD YES YES YES OH GOD I AM RIGHT NOW THIS VERY MOMENT HAVING SEXXXXXXXXXX!

If Yes either:

a: I am praying
b: i am having sex
c: I am lonely

If No
I am misting my ferns.

5: Does there seem to be at least one other person either under/ontop of me or shooting hot liquids into/onto my body?

a: I am having sex
b: i am trapped in a port a potty
c: i am trapped on muni

if No I am watching reruns of all in the family on TV.


Dear SchwEen

I accidentally blew my beans up some bird's muff. what to do?
Regretably,
Monkey Allen


Dear Monkey,

I wish to experess my extreme condolences in your recent loss of beans. do you know that bean loss is the leading cause of angina? and no. there's no sick joke or pun here. what kind of jokester do you take me for, eh? eH? weisenheimer.
I think the best thing for you do is start stocking your pantry with new beans.
and when I say pantry I mean your urethra.
yes you heard me.
start with lentils and end with fava.
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA
START WITH LENTILS AND END WITH FAVA

this response has been cancelled due to recent pregnancy.

your pal,
een


Dear Eens
I have many pregnancies but all in my mind. I would like to make a real child by hay and soft cheese for a manger scene. Do you recommend I use brie or camembert?

Signed,
Want so much.

Dear Want so much,
definately camembert. We all know baby jesus loves him some stanky cheese.



Dear Een
What do you know about bears? I saw grizzly man recently and I was kinda turned on by the idea of a bear eating my body limb by limb. Should I dress up like a sexy she-bear? Any special incence I can burn?
Signed
"Bear"ly Alive!

Dear "Bear"ly!

I don't think dressing up like a she-bear will help you attract a bear. At least not in san francisco. Your best bet is hanging out the The Eagle tavern while wearing chaps, a fake penis, and a brown towel. Good luck getting eaten!

your pal,
een

Dear Een
What are your biggest "turn ons"?
signed
aaaaa secretttt adddmiirrrerrrrrrrr.

Dear "secret."

Advice columns. engorged to the point of bursting.

your pal,
een