Een's RADvice! Love

Dear Een

Why do I look for love in all the wrong places? It used to be I could find a wife in my cupboard, now I have to go all the way to Daly City! I'm a busy guy with a very large manhood, what gives?!!

signed
A's Fan

Dear A's Fan,


Ahhhhh.. I would like to drop my crusty barnacle'd demeanor for once and sit very quietly and breathe with you while we shut our eyes in the dark. This is not some ploy to get you in the sack to try out tantric excercises. Instead, I would like you envision what kind of wife it is you really want. Okay...Breathe. Do you like your standard pantry wench, a trusty staple but prone to weevils? Or would you like a jar of chokecherry preserves, sweet and yet who the hell eats chokecherries? Maybe you do.Maybe you're the only chokecherry fan left and the survival of chokecherries depends on you and Al Gore alone. Now. Breathe. Deeper. Harder. Deeper. Ungh. DEEPER. Are you feeling me..... spiritually? How about now? This is called the "heart salutation" and was invented by Thicht Yuk Bunh in 1276. Soon, one of us will be radiantly pregnant with frogs.


Your Pal, Een

Dear Een

Help! I am trapped in a loveless marraige. Lately I have been having thoughts about having an affair with the PG&E man. He seems to be offering his penis to me on a regular basis but I just pretend it's a ham and tell him I have gout.
Should I tell him the truth? That I really really oh god REALLY love ham?
I'm so hungry.

Signed,
Ham-lette

Dear Ham-lette

I just learned a new joke about gout, wanna hear it? Okay, so this guy walks into a bar. And he says, he says, wait wait no, it was a lady walks into a bar. No! Yeah, a lady LIMPS into a bar and asks the bartender DO YOU HAVE ANY LARGE HAMS? And the bartender looks at her and says "Are those tophi on your feet or are you just glad to be kicking over my barstools?!!!" HA HA HA HA!!! pure gold I'm telling you. Leno, eat your heart out.



Your Pal,
Een


Dear Een:

How do you know if a boy is interested in you?
Signed
Rhodesia from Truckee

Dear Rhodesia from Truckee,

I'm so glad you asked! For back in the 1970's there was a book published called "BOY? HOWDY!" by Melody Von Kropp, a former Tufffgirl publishing reporter-turned-wildlife-expert.

"Boys are an interesting species," says Melody. "but with my reference manual handy in your pockets, you'll be able to decode their mating strategies so that you can make animal husbandry work for you, in any environment, any time!"



TOP TEN SIGNS THAT A BOY LIKES YOU

1: He places some nesting material at your feet, such as hay or yarn or owl scat.

2: When you are at a drive-in movie he will begin rubbing his pheromones on you. This is your signal to raise up your hindquarters and prepare to be mounted.

3: The mere sight of you causes him to spill his seed

4: He engages in heated horseplay with other dominant males, namely your father. This is natural and should be encouraged especially in soapy showers.

5: During lunchtime, he will create a "spawning bed" with his tater tots while staring at you with deep meaning in his eyes.

6: He's not afraid to show his male friends just how much he likes you by circling you and spraying you with urine.

7: He engages in frequent "exploded lekking" which is another word for showing up at your house at dawn to sing lionel ritchie "endless love."

8: He turns shy and purple and coughs alot

9: He vows to get a decent job so he can help feed your larvae once it's hatched.

10. He acts like a total gentleman and offers you the juiciest part of the thorax when you are sharing a candlelight dinner of fricasee and weevils.

This is only a tool for identifying the most fertile males.

Remember: If it's red, mount that "head!"
if it's green, it's been dead for a few weeks.

All good things
your pal
een.



Dear Een,

My girlfriend, whom I love very deeply, occasionally turns into Andy Rooney for about 4 seconds every week. It's usually on sunday afternoons when we're on our drive to the market, and never when we make whoopee. But I am scared that someday while we are doing our Xrated tantric parlour games for the old people outside who watch us, I will see those withered jowls wrapped around my "love wand" and never want to make love to her again!! Should I just commit suicide allready?

signed
Bruce

Dear: Bruce

did you know that Andy Rooney did an exploitation movie in the 70's called "Sexy Minutes?". Think about that. This man is a fucking beast who rips it like sheetrock. If you love your girlfriend you will love her when she is Andy Rooney and when she is just your girlfriend. I suggest you rent this movie and perhaps you will feel differently about the matter.

your pal,
een


Dear Advice:

I am a shy retarded stripper in Oklahoma. Will I ever fall in love?

signed,
Miss Big Fine

Dear Miss Big Fine

Yes. Absolutely. Like a ton of bricks.
your pal, een