RADvice! General advice

Dear Een,

Sometimes I fantasize about being eaten alive. Remember that "One eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Eater" song from the 1970's? As a school boy, the thought of a Purple People Eater bursting through the clouds and swooping down at me, attemping to consume me, used to give me a "wet dream."

When I mentioned to a girlfriend, years ago, that I sometimes fantasize about having her devour me for supper, along with a little soy milk and fried rice, she became deeply disturbed. From what I understand, being on the receiving end of cannibalism is a perfectly normal and relatively wide-spread fetish. Yet somehow, she made me feel shameful and dirty.

How should I broach this subject with my current girlfriend? I'm at a loss.

Yours truly,

Tasty-in-Tallahassee

Dear Tasty:
Well, I suggest you invite her over for a romantic candlelight dinner for two. For wine I suggest a nice sparkling beaujolais. For music I suggest "endless love" by lionel ritchie. For an entree I suggest either a nice wild mushroom risotto or a honeybaked ham. These things are important. God is in the details. Also, make sure you are wearing either pink or lavender as it is shown to have an aphrodesiac effect on certain farm animals, and what is your lover really but an open "maw" for your "cud." (i.e. YOU!) WHEN your girlfriend is nice and drunk and "loose" shall we say....tell her you want to "suprise" her with dessert...Have her shut her eyes, and then LEAP INTO HER MOUTH. YES LEAP INTO HER MOUTH.

I don't think your fetish for being cannibalized is all that disturbing.What's disturbing is your mixture of fried rice and soymilk. Infact it disturbs me so much I must go somewhere quiet for awhile.

your pal,
een



Dear Een:

I would like to grow one of those trendy hipster beards I keep hearing so much about! My only problem is I am an 86 year old woman in a coma. Do you recommend hormones?

Signed,
Beard-no-gro

Dear Beard:
The use of hormones is controversial and must be handled with utmost care. Your physician can recommend the right dosage for your needs. Too little and you will grow a 13 year old boy-stache and begin listening to speed metal. Too much and your beard will choke you in your sleep. It might be a good idea in the meantime to have a doctor or nurse place some cottonballs on your face so you can get the "feel" of what it's like to have a beard. Beards are not for everyone.

Your Pal, Een

Dear Mr. Advice Column,
What was it like growing up with a giant foot for a brain?
Also, is it possible to get herpes from a cantaloupe?

Signed,
Anon.

Dear Anon.
A two pronged question! My favorite!
Firstly, we at the Foot-For-Brain rights coalition refer to this disorder as "Neuropediment."
Secondly, there is nothing further to add. We like to keep to ourselves.
Lastly, I would hereby request you cease and desist all disparaging remarks on fruit or fruit related STD's. For personal reasons.



Your Pal, Een.

Dear Een:

Is it true that Jews are the master race?
Signed, H.O.P.E.F.U.L
(HEEBS OF PERFECT EVERLASTING FANCY UNDULATING LUSCIOUSNESS)

Dear H.O.P.E.F.U.L,
Yes.


Dear Een:

I notice you have a nice "tush". have you been working out?

Signed
Alexander Popor III

Dear Mr. Popor.
I must regretfully inform you that the toilet brush I purchased last week has lost all of it's bristles. This is an outrage. I demand to have my money back. I mean, how can you go about your day buying espressos and parking your car and dodging street urchins knowing that you've sold me a faulty toilet brush? I do not ask much of you. I do not ask that you offer me your seat on the bus, mop my weary brow, or whisper that you love me "deeply truly and violently" in my ear. Nor do I expect any attention of an unsavory nature. (cantaloupes and other melons come to mind).

With all due respect, I am terminating this relationship.

your pal,
een

p.s. Wait!! ..........you said "tush" not "brush?"
Well, then uh.....thanks! (blush) I never thought you'd notice.