I want to shave my cooter but I don't want the nasty rash that follows. Any advice?
~Big Black and Beautiful.
Dear BBB.
I think this is a perfectly valid question! Many women are faced with this dilemma every day, and have suffered greatly because of well-intentioned but antiquated advice. (missing labia lips and nicked earlobes come to mind) (hey remember back in the 40's when fashion mavens convinced women that "cooter" actually meant "ear?" this is why nobody was born in 1943 think about it!!!) However, answering this question myself might just make me blush so I will turn it over to the experts at Muff-B-Gone Salon on Chestnut Street. Here's Taffy, she's got 10 years of exfoliating, shaving, waxing and plucking experience under her (hairless mohair) belt!
Hi BBB!
Cute name. welcome to our salon! Please have a seat and get comfortable before we remove your muff.
sencha? fuzo? do you like vanity fair magazine? they've got that article about lindsay lohans drunken tattoo binge, what WILL that girl do next, lol!
Or maybe you'd rather look through a catalogue of all your muff-b-gone options! For instance, this year there's a definate buddhist flair to our hair removal. maybe you want an adorable little buddha head carved into your cooter? Actually here at Muff-B-Gone we don't say cooter as it's often confused with "earlobe." For the record we also don't use the words "pain" or "rip" or "OHMYGODSHEHASNOOOOOIDEATHETORT
I hope you have found this helpful.
Love Taffy!
(Your friendly hair representative at Muff-B-Gone)
Muff-B-Gone! helping you look more like an 8 year old girl every day!
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for acne? No, no not to get rid of it but to get it! I have been trying for weeks to add oils to my skin for some acne so I can look like my big sister. do you think olive oil might work? what about butter?
signed
sad little sissie.
Dear sissie.
While it might be fun to rub butter all over your skin for recreational purposes, I do not recommend it if you're serious about emulating your sister. Unfortunately, the best way to develop acne is to go through puberty. Puberty is something that hopefully you've learned about by now through health pamphlets and embarassed guestures from your parents. But assuming your parents are religious or uptight or dead, I will tell you that PUBERTY has to do with the pituitary gland in your brain producing hormones that cause hair to grow that will eventually be painfully removed. It is also responsible for "no goodnik attitudes" and periods. And also, (hooray!) acne!
So what you need to do is begin taking hormones. Now, I know it might be hard for an 8 year old girl to purchase hormones, so I will let you in on a secret: CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. Yes, if you eat at least 2 BUCKETS of CHICKEN MCNUGGETS a day you will begin to go through puberty. It's a fact! You will grow a nice shiny coat. your voice will change. but best of all you'll have some "acne vulgaris" that will rival ANY real teenage girl.
Happy trails!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Is it advisable to insert soap rectally?
signed
clean on the inside too!
Dear clean on the inside...
well, I can't think of a better use for those decorative bath beads nobody ever really uses, can you?!!!
just be careful of your colon! if one got lodged up there it could create a "mobile bubble bath" effect at work or wherever you experience flatulence eruptions. One at a time, buddy!
Dear Een
LIke, are you just really obsessed with asses or what? maybe you had some warped sorta good touch/bad touch from when you were a kid, cuz I just do not get it!
Signed
Assless and sassy
Dear assless
I find your lack of ass VERY HOT. Infact if you wore some assless chaps this would mean your ENTIRE posterior would be see-through! And if you then sat down your entirety would dissolve through the floor. Wow. can I make out with you?
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
i brush my hair 100 strokes a day to make it grow, and now it's falling out in chunks! and by hair i mean penis. help!
Signed,
falling to pieces
Dear falling.
My perscription, according to a medical text book I just found from the 1920's is an all-milk bath.
But I would recommend slowing down your strokes to a good 1 per second to see if that helps at all.
Breck Conditioner is also helpful but use it in the shower!
I hope your hair grows very long indeed. Send me a picture!
your pal,
een
Dear Eenleen,
How can I tell when I'm clean enough? I try very hard with the strong bristles and lava soap, but I still see nothing but a pile of dirt when I look in the mirror. Should i switch to bleach?
signed
so dirty indeed
Dear so dirty...
Lucky for you there was a special test invented in the 1970's, written by the Guiness Book of World Records "Worlds Dirtiest Man" who lived in his 5th grade boy scout uniform until he was 28 and didn't bathe or shower ONCE!!!! only to return from the military with a scary OCD cleanliness fetish that included inserting soap into his own rectum regularly and frequent "alcohol" fasts..
Taken from "Clean Up Yo Mad Scene!" magazine, april 1979.
AM I CLEAN ENOUGH?
1: WHAT IS MY SMELL TODAY?
a: bleach
b: wet rags and cheerios
c: mayonnaise
d: mothers apron
2: WHAT IS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN?
a: grayish mauve
b: checkered
c: asphalt
d: skin?
3: MY IDEA OF A VERY CLEAN ANIMAL IS:
a: my cat!!!!
b: my cooter
d: wet donkey
e: my loving mother
4: I BELIEVE THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO:
a: west texas
b: shoving an exacto knife deep into my femoral artery
c: friendliness
d: worms
5: WHAT WOULD I SAY IS MY WORST HYGIENE "NO NO."
a: rolling around in dead animals at the park
b: rolling around in unhulled wheatberries and passing myself off as a granola bar
c: demanding that bus patrons smell me
d: not wiping after eating
answers:
a: You are so clean!
b: you are so dirty! dirty naughty dirty dirty FILTHY you naughty filthy bird!
c: you are miss universe 1986.
d: you are missing your bus. go catch it!
No problem is too pungent or too dainty! Please send all RADvice questions to:
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
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