RADvice! The supernatural

Dear Een:

Every morning I wake up with the same supid stigmata on my hands.
Do you think I am mystical?
Signed
am I jesus or not.

Dear am i jesus or not:
Do I think you are mystical? No. Do I think you are lying to me? Yes. Do I think that Daddy's Dollars will win the Kentucky Derby this year? Possibly. Do you think I am fat? Yes you do. Does that lady at the back of the bus wear her underwear backwards because she is mentally retarded? Yes she does. Do we judge her because of this? No. Does the lady at the back of the bus think I am fat? If she weren't looking at your stigmata and asking you if you "got some stabs" from "jesus", yes. Does Daddy's Dollars ever think about retiring from racing? All the time. Usually on warm july days when the sky looks like water.

In conclusion, the answer to any question you will ever ask me again is NO NO NO.

your pal,
een


Dear Een:
My boyfriend is a Taurus and I am a Leo. Are we compatible? Also, I should mention I am a half-dead badger bleeding to death under a blackberry bush in Milwaukee, and my boyfriend is John Stamos.

Signed
Mabel


Well Mabel! I did your horoscope chart just this morning and found some VERY interesting results.
The antecedent of the retrograde in the cosmos seems to indicate that you are VERY compatible with your beau. He is the type of guy who will help you through thick and thin, and remind you when to change your toothbrush every few months! The fact that your plutos are square to eachothers marses means that on romantic dates you will find you both prefer sensual baths to mutual mastication..... And in the bedroom? oh la la! Your Taurus lover certainly knows how to stroke your (blood crusty, mottled) fur!
I'd say this is a match made in heaven! Start picking out your china patterns now! Mazel Tov!

your pal,
een

dear een:

My friends and I used a ouija board last night to try to speak to my dead grandmam.. But it didn't work because my friend kept laughing the whole time. The weird thing is now I have insense cravings for midwestern lutheran potluck food like grandmamma ate when she was alive: cold cuts, jelly salad, wolverine jerky and fresh dairy cream straight from the cows mouth. Am I posessed??? Weird.

signed
Alex Popor. III is # 1!!!!!!!!


Dear Alex,

Posession is one of the more troubling issues facing the youths of today!
Luckily, there is a reference manual for such things.
If you recall back in the 70's after the movie the Exorcist came out, local rectories were FLOODED with visits from the trendy 20 something crowd. Their complaints ranged from intense fever, public spraying, and visions of "satan flexing his biceps while tooling by in his mazzarati of death."

Bishop John Stamos Clarke wrote a book in 1977 "Die! No? Mighty! A handbook for the young and the satanically doomed."

Here are the top 5 ways to detect if you are posessed:

1: when I kneel down to say my prayers at night, do I shut my eyes and see flaming goat heads?

2: Am I spraying public areas or defecating forcibly into the cracks between the seat cushions on the BART?

3: Whenever I hear the words "Jesus" or "Mary" or "Bunny" I begin to make high pitched keening sounds and cower in the corner, clawing at my eyes.

4: I get kinda anxious around the holidays

5: I have ravenous cravings for the following foods: Raisins, entennmans bundt cakes, cold cuts, whole grain oats, mexicans, wolverine jerky, and linda mccartney's frozen dinners.

I recommend you get the to the rectory and pronto, Mr Popor!
your pal,
een



Dear advice column

Every night on my walk home, I am followed by a chimaera. I didn't mind at first, but now it has started talking and this is not okay. I enjoy a nice quiet walk home, and it's voice is that of a mating rhino. Any advice on how to rid this beast?

Mr. Dale Anderson
CEO


Dear Mr. Anderson.
What company are you the CEO of?


Dear advice:
I AM THE CEO OF YOU. (inc.)

Dear Mr. Anderson:

Well! So that explains those daily memos which I burn whenever they arrive.
Now to answer your question.
What you need to do is construct a "scary mask" out of yarn and felt.
then the next time you see the chimeera STAB IT WITH YOUR MIND while at the same time mimicking the ancient siberian winds during the rule of Ghenghis Khan.
Then with your face being scary, and your body being cold, THRUST FORWARD with all your might and scream I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!!!!

your pal,
een

dEAR ADVICE.
I do not think you understand the implications of what you're instructing me to do. Expect a memo shortly. And whatever you do DO NOT. TOUCH. THE. GREEN. STAPLER.

Signing off
DALE.


Dear Dale,
why can't you just face the fact that you are lonely and you suffer?


Dear Een of Awesomliest RADVICE you're sooooooo awesome!!!:
well gosh I just think you're advice column is just swell! how did you get your start? and also, why do I seem to have several noses all existing in different dimensions and in different colors? will this affect my love life?

Signed
Too many noses.


Dear Noses:

Well! I got my start like any advice columnist. I grew up in an orphanage and learned how to forage for grubs and mealworms to survive. Then, after having taken many psychedelic mushrooms and reading Steppenwolf 16 times, I turned at last to controlling others.
And don't worry about the noses! 9 out of 10 men report extra noses as "hot" and "foxy."

your pal,
een.