RADvice! Pet Care

Dear Een,

My hermit crab and my cat have a special kinda relationship let's just say. One day I watched in horror as my cat gently lifted the lid of the pot, dipped his head in the boiling water and took out my hermit crab from his bath. At first I thought cool, the cat's gonna eat the fucking crab let's see what happens ha ha but no instead he carried the crab in his mouth and brought him out to the pond and placed him on a little boat and sent him floating down stream. fuckin aye, right?!!
A few days later the hermit crab returned with three other hermit crabs and they were all wearing dolls clothes and singing "endless love" while they took turns crawling in and out of my cats rectum. I know this is hard to believe but I think my cat is having fun and maybe they're giving him some weird fucking enema or something. Have you experienced this before?

Signed, Crabbypants


Dear Crabbypants.

I have not personally had hermit crabs crawling in and out of my orifice but I can guess it would be cleansing-much like a poor mans colonic fast! as for advice, I suggest you stop giving your hermit crabs hot baths on your stove and start giving them baths in the microwave. crabs like microwaves.

your pal,
een


When my boyfriend suggested that we have a threesome with my dog Twitty (he calls her "titty), I thought sure why not! Oh, what a mistake. Since our little experiment, he has started taking Twitty on long walks after dark and buys her gifts that he hides from me (I found a receipt - he spent $350 at the Petsmart on canine accessories!). Last night I found a diamond ring in his dresser but it shaped for a paw. I am terrified that I am going to lose the man of my dreams to my best friend. It's a double betrayal. What should I do?

Signed,
Not sure who to hate more

Dear Not Sure,

I think you should stop feeling so betrayed and instead learn the merits of Polyamory! Get with the times, man! This is San Francisco in the year 2007! Your jealousy indicates you have not yet evolved. Darwin would cry. Let's get radically honest, shall we? LOVE KNOWS NO OWNERSHIP OR NO BOUNDARIES. For instance, just because I locked my last several boyfriends in a small rusty holding crate in an abandoned barn south of gilroy DOES NOT mean that I felt I "owned" them. I just gave them an "alternative sort of freedom." Freedom is your mantra, Not Sure. FREEDOM! Next time you see your husband at a fancy restaurant with your pooch, join tell them you're ready to "evolve" and promptly mount both of them in tandem. For Freedom! for DARWIN!!!!

your very evolved pal,
een



Dear mr. advice,

If I took the sperm from a cat and put it inside a cow, what kind of craaaaaaaazy animal would I make?

signed
mad scientist

Dear Scientist,
A snake.

dear Een

I am embarassed by my "dogs" behavior in the park. she spends lots of time rolling in dead birds, and "sniffing the privates" of other dogs and even defecating in wide-open places for all to see!!!!!!????????? i even have a special dog "potty" i bring for mom to use in the park (a folgers coffee tin decorated with humerous paw-print decals!!!!) but she seems to prefer exposing herself. my mom never did this when we took her to the park as kids! is she just "getting on" in years?

Signed
Doggone embarassed

Dear Doggone Embarassed,

Your mom sounds fun! can I have her number?


Dear Een
my goldfish has something that looks like a baby corn hanging out of it's butt. What is it, yo. poop? eggs? corn???

signed
what is coming out of my fish?

Dear What is coming out,

Please have your goldfish examined immediately by an aquatologist, and if not an aquatologist than a retired skipper. This could be serious!

your pal,
een


Dear Een,

My mom won't let me get a dog she bought me a rock. she says that if I can take care of the rock I can get a dog. but my rock got stole by some bullies so what do I just get a rock that looks like the old rock and put the same leash and collar on it or tell my mom the truth?

from spencer age 7

Dear Spencer, You should always tell the truth. because if you don't jesus will cut off your fingers and replace them with mushrooms! actually this sounds really cool! you should totally lie. take a picture for me!

your pallio,
een



Dear Eeeeeen!

My goldfish is now floating upsidedown with THREE BABY CORNS hanging out of it's butt, yo. Should I feed it?

Signed
three corns now,

Dear Three Corns,
This is the miracle of life otherwise known as "death."

your pal,

een


Dear Een, do you have a pet? yes/no??
Signed
Dalphina in Daly City

Dear Dalphina,
along with several freshly bathed hermit crabs, een has one cat who is always on the verge of dying and follows her around the house either barfing or spurting blood from an exploded abcess. his name is henry and he is 7 years old this july if he lives that long. his favorite color is green and his favorite food is hills perscription diet.

your pal,
een