RADvice! Psychology and the Mind

Dear Een.
My friends say i should be medicated because i walk around carrying a dead chicken and whistling low whenever i hear someone say "right on!"
what types of drugs should i take?
signed
chicken madge

Dear Madge:
Heroin. Lots of it.

your pal,
een

Dear Een.

How much crying is too much?
signed
waterlogged in wynona

Dear Waterlogged.

Right on! Een is a huge fan of crying jags and outbursts of great feeling, as they are tonic for the soul. One time she cried for three days and three nights and built an ark out of empty beer cans and floated away to india where she met a boddhisatva in the form of a dead chicken. "How much crying is too much crying?" asked een.
"your ark has a hole in it," said the boddhisatva. "pbr is shit for building things."
The moral: don't drink cheap beer when sad.

These are very wise words, but in answer to your question..... if you are still crying after several days i will give you a snickers bar for being the person with the most feelings i've ever met.
in other words, there's no too much.

your pal
een

Dear Een.

I'm pretty sure i have phase 111 electrodialysism with a codependent twist of malapropy. Is there any hope for my future?
signed,
oh no!

Dear oh no!
i was afraid you'd say that.
phase III electrodialysism with codependent twist of malapropy is a very serious disorder indeed. Please be careful not to misdiagnose yourself because if it's true then this means you are doomed to a life of daily medication followed by a complete numbing of your feelings and sex organs, leading you to "make love" with sharp kitchen things, thus resulting in a BLOODY BLOODY EVISCERATING DEATH.
Lucky for you, there is a test you can take to tell for sure.
It was written in 1978 by a woman named sandy something.

QUIZ: DO I SUFFER FROM PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY?

Question 1: What color do you think of when I say the words "puppy smile."

a: a sort of vomity gray with a few dark worm shapes
b: a sort of bloodclot color with a few dark worms
c: a few dark worms against a bright bubblegum pink
d: eyes

Question 2: Have you ever done self mutilation or burnings?

a: oh goodness yes! it's fun. good times, lol!
b: only when i was a goth in highschool
c: only if someone dares me to. ARE YOU DARING ME? HUH? BRING ME THE BIG KNIFE WATCH I'M GOING TO CUT OFF MY SKIN AND WRAP YOU UP IN IT AND THROW YOU OFF MY ROOF
d: First i rub in the gasoline good then i burn it gooder.

Question 3: Assume you misheard me when I said "excuse me i think that's my seat." what do you think i said?

a: excuse me, you're eating my roast beef.
b: excuse me, you're beating my meat
c: you must be erased by order of zool.
d: well, i guess there are several things i dislike in this world. one, jesus. two, jesuses twelve secret daughters of which i am one. three, whores of jezebel, and four five six seven jan marsha alice and captain macaroni.

Question 4: Do you have any supersitious beliefs?

a: god
b: whistling in graveyards
c: magic tricks
d: killing rabbits before the superbowl

Question 5: Do you ever think about committing suicide because you are a lowly disgusting worm?

a: no, but i once went in through the out door at safeway.
b: constantly. sometimes i write suicide letters and send them to my mother that hole that whore who crapped me out into the pile of dirt we call earth
c: oh yes! i love suicides! i collect them all and dust them once a week.lololololol! ROTFLMAO!!!
d: i just dooted.

answers.

mostly a's: YOU HAVE PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY please remove all sharp kitchen objects from your vincinity IMMEDIATELY!!
mostly b's: You have PHASE I ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY-you can use spoons safely but not knives.
mostly c's: you have a keen sense of wit
mostly d's: stay out of my bedroom with your eyes watching always watching.

your pal,
een

Dear Een.

Why do i sometimes feel the pointlessness of living far exceeds the love i receive daily from my friends, while random strangers often nod knowingly at me as if they understand.... are other really people onto the dirty joke of "life" or do they just seem to be programmed to understand me?
you seem to have all the answers.
so tell me. what's the meaning of life? understand me. i dare you.

signed
existential larry

dear: larry

Right on! You're very smart and i like you very much. the people you think are your friends are actually highly sophisticated robots programmed to soothe or irk you depending on the latest software updates.
in short:
there is no god.
there is no devil.
there is only zool.
and zool only comes the day after christmas to pick up your discarded wrapping paper.
there are alot of answers to be found in discarded objects.
love is elusive and rarely lasts forever.
rice-krispies snap because they do not know how to clap.

this is what i know so far larry, being jesus christ and buddha and the reincarnation of andy rooney WAIT ANDY ROONEY IS STILL ALIVE HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

fully medicated now,
your sane pal
een.

Send send OH SEND me your questions....

leenashirlee@yahoo.com