Dear Mr. Rad! vice. I recently went on a trip through the Amazon to collect urine samples from the native people who live in the river. While I was there, I got bit by many mosquitoes. The itching was so bad that, at times, I was forced to use my utility spade. My point is, the I got bit all over INCLUDING my delicate private areas. At first I thought I’d caught an STD because while I was there, I make love to several people who didn’t speak english. I even gave one of them a lock of my pretty blonde hair for some parade float or something. Anyway, the itching was so bad I had no other choice than to use the utility spade, and now my genitals are laid out before me in ragged crusty pieces. BUT THE ITCHING IS GONE. My question is, how can I re-attach them and still enjoy a normal sex life?
Signed,
Biteychocha
Dear Bitey,
The river people of the amazon sure do know how to party! Have you ever drank water python venom from a tiki glass? I am sorry for your loss. as far as re-attaching your privates goes, unless you can re-attach them while they are still warm your sex life will probably suffer. If it’s been more than a week and decomposition has set in, you could still re-attach them and tell your sex partners that you have ZOMBIE PRIVATES. believe it or not, there are some freaks who would be into that. If your genitals are so shredded you don’t know where to start, I suggest mashing them together into a collage, and say it’s a social justice art piece. People love shit like that.
Dear Rad! Vice.
I want to get better at keeping routines going in my life. Any suggestions for sticking to routines or is it better to live life without them at all?
Signed,
Routineless in Seattle
Dear Routineless,
If only life were an improvised musical number! Unfortunately routines and schedules are a somewhat necessary part of life--- too much spontaneity and you’ll do a fred-astaire twirl into a wood-chipper, howdy! My suggestion is making very simple and reasonable goals for yourself. For instance, I always plan to go number twosies at 7:30 am on the dot, right when I wake up. However, sometimes if I’m either hungover or waking up in someone elses bed, I know that sticking to my earlybird routine is only going to inconvenience my host, and doing a walk of shame with full bowels is always unpleasant. So that is why I have set my number twosies for 3:00 PM instead of 7:30 am which is a much nicer and more realistic goal. Don’t aim high! This is the worst advice ever. If you aim low, keep it simple, you’ll always be able to feel good about yourself and this will put you on the surefire path to success.
Dear Radvice: I’m on an internet dating website, but creepy pervs seem to write me while all the good guys stay way. What gives?
Signed
Hortense Highlander
Dear Hortense:
The surest way to scare off creepy pervs is by beating them at their game. Everyone has a weak-spot, you just have to know how to detect it through the incoherent that are their messages to you. For instance:
EXAMPLE MESSAGE # 1: “he u whatup wanna smoke a fatty and hump?”
Weakness: drugs, cheese.
YOUR RESPONSE: I’d love to hump your fatty but unfortunately today is no good because my vagina is made of government cheese. on that note, do you pronounce “meunster” like “mooonster” or “Munster.” I never learned, LOL!!!
EXAMPLE MESSAGE# 2: “Don’t I recognize you from a video you made where you diaper a grown man? The fact of the matter is, I have doo-doo-ed my shorts,miss lady. I need a woman like you to sprinkle me with talcum powder and force me to wear a bonnet to my family reunion. Free this thursday? Love, Diapercival.”
Weakness: facial hair, sperm deficiency
YOUR RESPONSE: Drat! Unfortunately I’m too busy this thursday making whoopie to a giant bearded daddy with lush secondary sex characteristics......who doesn’t doo-doo his shorts, he doo-doos in the bucket, which is where any self-respecting person would doo. Do you know what else I’m in favor of? Vigilant, daily sperm counts. Put away your pacifier, and start tagging your swimmers! The entire human race depends on you.
EXAMPLE # 3: “i’m gonna put my eggs in your naughty little chickenhole.”
weakness: animal rights
YOUR RESPONSE:
And they better not be factory farm eggs!!! Did you know that chickens are often kept FIVE IN A CAGE in most farms. FIVE. IN. A. CAGE. They don’t have the space to froclic or make “love” ,and most have their “chickenholes” sewn up by other trapped chickens.. I’ll tell you what. How about I take off all my clothes, and climb into a cramped cage with 5 other naked people who are pumped full of antibiotics, because they cannot move, who helplessly claw holes into eachothers skin, and...wait, actually that actually sounds kinda hot. what are you doing this saturday?”
And thus concludes the example portion of this column. As far as attracting the right types of guys to your page, Hortense, I suggest some colorful ads to capture their eye? It’s a scientifically known fact that hot, amazing fellows are attracted to snickers bars ads, and free porn. Get creative! You will know what to do.
Dear Rad!Vice
I think retards are so cuuuuattttte! Like, how they clap and smile?? I want to make one A BIG ONE. How can I help it????!!!!!
Signed, make me a retard NOW I WQANT!!
Dear make me a retard.
I find your question first of all very offensive. Where are your compassionate pants?!! The politically correct term here is "spaz." and for the record, there are many different types of spazzes in the world. For instance, there's the type of spaz who can recite passages of beowolf in a high-pitched keening tone and who carries and appointment book from 1997. There's the type who is generally happy, but prone to night clawing. There are big spazzes, and little spazzes, and spazzes with glazzes. (me being one of them.) The best and cutest type of spazzes are the kind who carry inhalers and turn pink in the sun.
I'm sorry but you will have to be more specific if you want a helpful answer from me.
No problem is too big, weird, or leaky! Email me your questions to: leenashirlee@yahoo.com
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