Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for getting multiple dark, clotted stains out of a carpet?
you're the best, thanks!
Signed,
Mr.Derr
Dear Mr. Derr!
Long time no talk! And how is your fine family this evening? Last time I saw them they were going through some rough times what with your recent layoff and 16 day long drunken/meth binge and all. Oh golly how they DO love you though. Creme de la creme, that family! Give my regards to the missus too!
As far as dark clotted stains go, well that depends. How "dark" are the stains? (like a light amber, or deep crimson?) and is there any "particulate" matter embedded in the carpet? Like for instance bits of cat dander or dirt tracked in from outdoors or exploded bits of flesh?
What I'm saying is you should shake out your carpet first before attempting any serious stain removal. This is common sense but many of us were born without it.
Your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Do you ever notice that dishwashers actually do NOT clean dishes worth a you-know-what?
Signed
Dirty Diana's Dishes.
Dear DDD.
No, I don't-know-what!
Are you actually going to make me guess?
Why do you do these things to me so early in the morning?!!
Oh here, take a quiz and get outta my face.
Pop Quiz:
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
1: Do you know what I'm talking about?
a: Yes, yes! you are definately talking about tsetse flies.
b: Your words are hard to follow because you are drunk.
c: No, because all I think about is the two of us. making love on a beach. while the waves crash against our loins.
d: I think so. If not I will pretend I know so you will not tease me in front of my friends.
2: I know, right?
a: No, you do NOT know and you are never right because you died 6 years ago.
b: You think I know but what you don't know is how little I know.
c: Michael Stipe has invaded this quiz and I refuse to answer further
d: The fridge smells like old people
3: Can I ask you something?
a: Only if you wear a purple wizard hat when you ask me
b: Only if you sleep with me
c: Only if I can ask you something first and then interrupt you several times when you begin and finally when you give up say "why don't you ever want to know about MY life? huh? why do I always do the asking?"
d: No thank you.
4: Hows it hangin, bro?
a: flaccidly and leakingly.
b: it's not! HELP ME, my "wife" put liquid viagra in my wheaties!
c: i ain't your bro, homes, i'm your mother. eat your wheaties.
d: oH. OH. OH. OH. OH. hangin tough.
6: hey, are you allright?
a: my colon is on the outside of my body attached to my rectum by a thin wet spaghetti, do i look allright?
b: yes yes i'm fine. just allergies!. *twitch* life is a *twitch* gift!
c: could you take that rock over there...yes that sharp one...and bash in my head repeatedly? thanks, you're awesome!
d: what do you think this is on my leg it looks like a mole but it keeps flaking off
7: whazzzupppppppppppp?
a: when would be a good time to schedule your untimely death?
b: please die.
c: I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THE SHARP ROCK
d: AND BASH IN MY HEAD THEN YOURS THEN MINE AGAIN.
Results:
mostly a's: Oh nothing much, nother day nother dollar, right? lol!
mostly bs: The cancer has seized my brain now. (isn't that a ministry song?)
mostly c's: Sky, a few cumulus clouds, and an airplane
mostly d's: i just keep eating my wheaties like mom says.
Dear Een:
Do you have any low budget decorating ideas for my first apartment?
Unfortunately, only have about 20 dollars to spend.
Signed
Thrifty Taffy
Dear Thrifty,
I appreciate that you are saving even 20 dollars for home decorating! When een gets 20 dollars she usually buys burritos and beer. This is why her bedroom is decorated with cardboard boxes and random things people give her that she thinks would look good on a wall giving the impression that she is 19 years old and living in a frat house.
There's lots you can do, to decorate with 20 dollars! I only wish I knew. Wait, let's see what mother is doing, she is smart about these things......
Dear Thrifty.
Good grief, 20 dollars? okay. well the first thing I would do is spend about 7 dollars on some nice fabric. then with the fabric you can hang it up on your wall or put it over a box to make it look like a "table." or you can cut it in two pieces to make curtains. Then with the remainder of the money you can still buy a beer and a burrito and make it to the park intime for the free movie showing AH CRAP I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE ANYMORE.
your pal,
een and eens "mom."
Dear Een
My grandfather has bought the newly patented "Toe Valve" for his gout. Every evening he "flicks" his tophi into a bucket near his la-Zee-Boy chair. However now the house has now taken on the smell of expired organ meats. I tried the baking soda and lye trick but it doesn't work! help!
Signed
Livingroom or Liver?
Dear Livingroom,
Unfortunately the "Toe Valve" is still needing a few tweaks. The newest version comes with a sanitizing "squeaky teen fresh" spray. But it is not available yet in most stores.
So my suggestion is to just do away with your grandfather. Besides he is old and diseased, and has nothing further to contribute to society but amusing malapropisms such as "I cannot phantom a word this poisoned Bush is saying on Television!!"
Use the sharp rock.
Dear Mrs. Een.
There is a monster underneath my bed, and he is my best friend. His toenails are long and he never combs his hair.
-Maggie age 7
Dear Maggie,
So that's where he went! guess he went found a new best friend (sniff.)
No problem is too hideous or plain!
Send all inquiries to leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
RADvice! Mystery grab bag
Dear Een,
My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).
PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."
Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence
Dear On the Fence,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.
As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.
your pal,
een
Dear Dripping Eye
Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"
For instance
Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.
We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een
Dearest Een,
Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!
Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels
Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!
I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)
but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.
Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.
Dear Milking
Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!
Your Pal
Een
send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).
PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."
Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence
Dear On the Fence,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.
As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.
your pal,
een
dear een,
When I blow my nose, mucus comes out my eye. Is this normal?
-dripping eye
Dear Dripping Eye
Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"
For instance
Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.
We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een
Dearest Een,
Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!
Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels
Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!
I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)
but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.
Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.
Dear een,
If you feed an adult cow it's own milk, will there be extra nutrients in it's next batch?
-Milking Devon
Dear Milking
Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!
Your Pal
Een
send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
RADvice! Hygiene and Grooming
Dear Een.
I want to shave my cooter but I don't want the nasty rash that follows. Any advice?
~Big Black and Beautiful.
Dear BBB.
I think this is a perfectly valid question! Many women are faced with this dilemma every day, and have suffered greatly because of well-intentioned but antiquated advice. (missing labia lips and nicked earlobes come to mind) (hey remember back in the 40's when fashion mavens convinced women that "cooter" actually meant "ear?" this is why nobody was born in 1943 think about it!!!) However, answering this question myself might just make me blush so I will turn it over to the experts at Muff-B-Gone Salon on Chestnut Street. Here's Taffy, she's got 10 years of exfoliating, shaving, waxing and plucking experience under her (hairless mohair) belt!
Hi BBB!
Cute name. welcome to our salon! Please have a seat and get comfortable before we remove your muff.
sencha? fuzo? do you like vanity fair magazine? they've got that article about lindsay lohans drunken tattoo binge, what WILL that girl do next, lol!
Or maybe you'd rather look through a catalogue of all your muff-b-gone options! For instance, this year there's a definate buddhist flair to our hair removal. maybe you want an adorable little buddha head carved into your cooter? Actually here at Muff-B-Gone we don't say cooter as it's often confused with "earlobe." For the record we also don't use the words "pain" or "rip" or "OHMYGODSHEHASNOOOOOIDEATHETORTURETHATAWAITSHER!"
I hope you have found this helpful.
Love Taffy!
(Your friendly hair representative at Muff-B-Gone)
Muff-B-Gone! helping you look more like an 8 year old girl every day!
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for acne? No, no not to get rid of it but to get it! I have been trying for weeks to add oils to my skin for some acne so I can look like my big sister. do you think olive oil might work? what about butter?
signed
sad little sissie.
Dear sissie.
While it might be fun to rub butter all over your skin for recreational purposes, I do not recommend it if you're serious about emulating your sister. Unfortunately, the best way to develop acne is to go through puberty. Puberty is something that hopefully you've learned about by now through health pamphlets and embarassed guestures from your parents. But assuming your parents are religious or uptight or dead, I will tell you that PUBERTY has to do with the pituitary gland in your brain producing hormones that cause hair to grow that will eventually be painfully removed. It is also responsible for "no goodnik attitudes" and periods. And also, (hooray!) acne!
So what you need to do is begin taking hormones. Now, I know it might be hard for an 8 year old girl to purchase hormones, so I will let you in on a secret: CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. Yes, if you eat at least 2 BUCKETS of CHICKEN MCNUGGETS a day you will begin to go through puberty. It's a fact! You will grow a nice shiny coat. your voice will change. but best of all you'll have some "acne vulgaris" that will rival ANY real teenage girl.
Happy trails!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Is it advisable to insert soap rectally?
signed
clean on the inside too!
Dear clean on the inside...
well, I can't think of a better use for those decorative bath beads nobody ever really uses, can you?!!!
just be careful of your colon! if one got lodged up there it could create a "mobile bubble bath" effect at work or wherever you experience flatulence eruptions. One at a time, buddy!
Dear Een
LIke, are you just really obsessed with asses or what? maybe you had some warped sorta good touch/bad touch from when you were a kid, cuz I just do not get it!
Signed
Assless and sassy
Dear assless
I find your lack of ass VERY HOT. Infact if you wore some assless chaps this would mean your ENTIRE posterior would be see-through! And if you then sat down your entirety would dissolve through the floor. Wow. can I make out with you?
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
i brush my hair 100 strokes a day to make it grow, and now it's falling out in chunks! and by hair i mean penis. help!
Signed,
falling to pieces
Dear falling.
My perscription, according to a medical text book I just found from the 1920's is an all-milk bath.
But I would recommend slowing down your strokes to a good 1 per second to see if that helps at all.
Breck Conditioner is also helpful but use it in the shower!
I hope your hair grows very long indeed. Send me a picture!
your pal,
een
Dear Eenleen,
How can I tell when I'm clean enough? I try very hard with the strong bristles and lava soap, but I still see nothing but a pile of dirt when I look in the mirror. Should i switch to bleach?
signed
so dirty indeed
Dear so dirty...
Lucky for you there was a special test invented in the 1970's, written by the Guiness Book of World Records "Worlds Dirtiest Man" who lived in his 5th grade boy scout uniform until he was 28 and didn't bathe or shower ONCE!!!! only to return from the military with a scary OCD cleanliness fetish that included inserting soap into his own rectum regularly and frequent "alcohol" fasts..
Taken from "Clean Up Yo Mad Scene!" magazine, april 1979.
AM I CLEAN ENOUGH?
1: WHAT IS MY SMELL TODAY?
a: bleach
b: wet rags and cheerios
c: mayonnaise
d: mothers apron
2: WHAT IS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN?
a: grayish mauve
b: checkered
c: asphalt
d: skin?
3: MY IDEA OF A VERY CLEAN ANIMAL IS:
a: my cat!!!!
b: my cooter
d: wet donkey
e: my loving mother
4: I BELIEVE THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO:
a: west texas
b: shoving an exacto knife deep into my femoral artery
c: friendliness
d: worms
5: WHAT WOULD I SAY IS MY WORST HYGIENE "NO NO."
a: rolling around in dead animals at the park
b: rolling around in unhulled wheatberries and passing myself off as a granola bar
c: demanding that bus patrons smell me
d: not wiping after eating
answers:
a: You are so clean!
b: you are so dirty! dirty naughty dirty dirty FILTHY you naughty filthy bird!
c: you are miss universe 1986.
d: you are missing your bus. go catch it!
No problem is too pungent or too dainty! Please send all RADvice questions to:
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
I want to shave my cooter but I don't want the nasty rash that follows. Any advice?
~Big Black and Beautiful.
Dear BBB.
I think this is a perfectly valid question! Many women are faced with this dilemma every day, and have suffered greatly because of well-intentioned but antiquated advice. (missing labia lips and nicked earlobes come to mind) (hey remember back in the 40's when fashion mavens convinced women that "cooter" actually meant "ear?" this is why nobody was born in 1943 think about it!!!) However, answering this question myself might just make me blush so I will turn it over to the experts at Muff-B-Gone Salon on Chestnut Street. Here's Taffy, she's got 10 years of exfoliating, shaving, waxing and plucking experience under her (hairless mohair) belt!
Hi BBB!
Cute name. welcome to our salon! Please have a seat and get comfortable before we remove your muff.
sencha? fuzo? do you like vanity fair magazine? they've got that article about lindsay lohans drunken tattoo binge, what WILL that girl do next, lol!
Or maybe you'd rather look through a catalogue of all your muff-b-gone options! For instance, this year there's a definate buddhist flair to our hair removal. maybe you want an adorable little buddha head carved into your cooter? Actually here at Muff-B-Gone we don't say cooter as it's often confused with "earlobe." For the record we also don't use the words "pain" or "rip" or "OHMYGODSHEHASNOOOOOIDEATHETORT
I hope you have found this helpful.
Love Taffy!
(Your friendly hair representative at Muff-B-Gone)
Muff-B-Gone! helping you look more like an 8 year old girl every day!
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for acne? No, no not to get rid of it but to get it! I have been trying for weeks to add oils to my skin for some acne so I can look like my big sister. do you think olive oil might work? what about butter?
signed
sad little sissie.
Dear sissie.
While it might be fun to rub butter all over your skin for recreational purposes, I do not recommend it if you're serious about emulating your sister. Unfortunately, the best way to develop acne is to go through puberty. Puberty is something that hopefully you've learned about by now through health pamphlets and embarassed guestures from your parents. But assuming your parents are religious or uptight or dead, I will tell you that PUBERTY has to do with the pituitary gland in your brain producing hormones that cause hair to grow that will eventually be painfully removed. It is also responsible for "no goodnik attitudes" and periods. And also, (hooray!) acne!
So what you need to do is begin taking hormones. Now, I know it might be hard for an 8 year old girl to purchase hormones, so I will let you in on a secret: CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. Yes, if you eat at least 2 BUCKETS of CHICKEN MCNUGGETS a day you will begin to go through puberty. It's a fact! You will grow a nice shiny coat. your voice will change. but best of all you'll have some "acne vulgaris" that will rival ANY real teenage girl.
Happy trails!
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Is it advisable to insert soap rectally?
signed
clean on the inside too!
Dear clean on the inside...
well, I can't think of a better use for those decorative bath beads nobody ever really uses, can you?!!!
just be careful of your colon! if one got lodged up there it could create a "mobile bubble bath" effect at work or wherever you experience flatulence eruptions. One at a time, buddy!
Dear Een
LIke, are you just really obsessed with asses or what? maybe you had some warped sorta good touch/bad touch from when you were a kid, cuz I just do not get it!
Signed
Assless and sassy
Dear assless
I find your lack of ass VERY HOT. Infact if you wore some assless chaps this would mean your ENTIRE posterior would be see-through! And if you then sat down your entirety would dissolve through the floor. Wow. can I make out with you?
your pal,
een
Dear Een,
i brush my hair 100 strokes a day to make it grow, and now it's falling out in chunks! and by hair i mean penis. help!
Signed,
falling to pieces
Dear falling.
My perscription, according to a medical text book I just found from the 1920's is an all-milk bath.
But I would recommend slowing down your strokes to a good 1 per second to see if that helps at all.
Breck Conditioner is also helpful but use it in the shower!
I hope your hair grows very long indeed. Send me a picture!
your pal,
een
Dear Eenleen,
How can I tell when I'm clean enough? I try very hard with the strong bristles and lava soap, but I still see nothing but a pile of dirt when I look in the mirror. Should i switch to bleach?
signed
so dirty indeed
Dear so dirty...
Lucky for you there was a special test invented in the 1970's, written by the Guiness Book of World Records "Worlds Dirtiest Man" who lived in his 5th grade boy scout uniform until he was 28 and didn't bathe or shower ONCE!!!! only to return from the military with a scary OCD cleanliness fetish that included inserting soap into his own rectum regularly and frequent "alcohol" fasts..
Taken from "Clean Up Yo Mad Scene!" magazine, april 1979.
AM I CLEAN ENOUGH?
1: WHAT IS MY SMELL TODAY?
a: bleach
b: wet rags and cheerios
c: mayonnaise
d: mothers apron
2: WHAT IS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN?
a: grayish mauve
b: checkered
c: asphalt
d: skin?
3: MY IDEA OF A VERY CLEAN ANIMAL IS:
a: my cat!!!!
b: my cooter
d: wet donkey
e: my loving mother
4: I BELIEVE THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO:
a: west texas
b: shoving an exacto knife deep into my femoral artery
c: friendliness
d: worms
5: WHAT WOULD I SAY IS MY WORST HYGIENE "NO NO."
a: rolling around in dead animals at the park
b: rolling around in unhulled wheatberries and passing myself off as a granola bar
c: demanding that bus patrons smell me
d: not wiping after eating
answers:
a: You are so clean!
b: you are so dirty! dirty naughty dirty dirty FILTHY you naughty filthy bird!
c: you are miss universe 1986.
d: you are missing your bus. go catch it!
No problem is too pungent or too dainty! Please send all RADvice questions to:
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Friday, June 8, 2007
RADvice! Religion
Dear Radvice een.
Why does god make bad things happen to good people? Also, should I laminate my wife? In the bible it says I should.
Signed
Laminatornaught?
Dearest Laminatornaught,
I think you mean Ecclesiastes 9:8 Which states
And the flaccid bosoms of Abraham smite the thieves in the temple
and burst forth without sin
the dead in sheol listeneth to old skool prince
and worship at my wifes fabled shrine?
They meant shrine, not shine I think but laminator machines are coming down in cost, and your wife's kinda kinky so let me know what happens!
your pal,
een
Dear Eensblog,
Can you tell me the difference between immaculate conception and a virgin birth?
Every girl I go out with fails to explain this to me while I am telekinetically blessing her with my seed and she's shouting oh god yes yes yes oh jesus i am having a virgin birth! when she really means an orgasm??!!!!. Why don't chicks know the difference? are they faking it?
Signed
Pope Williams Aero-spermfloat III
Dearest Pope Williams
well. It all goes back to the holy sea.
in otherwords, the vagina.
Everything in one way or another goes back to the vagina.
When we die, and people say they "went into the light" they mean they went into the vagina.
Along with dead loved ones and jesus and a few angels, the vagina contains many unborn fetuses created from your telekinetic sperm.
If the fetuses grow to term and are born, then you will have what's called a "child."
If the child is born with extra eyes it will be considered "immaculate."
And yes, you still have to pay child support on an immaculate (i.e. deformed) child.
In fact, the holy sea charges interest on exra interest on extra facial features.
Start saving up now!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
I am having a hard time telling if I'm having a "holy ecstasy" right now or a seizure, Can you helP?
signed
Seizure or Scripture?
Dear Seizure or Scripture,
Well, color me rosy! back in the 1970's when religious epiphanies reached their peak in popularity due to the cute animated films "davey and goliath"--- a smart woman by the name of Williamette Samson wrote a book called "Grand Mal-adies-A guide through your seizure and/or religious awakening." (knopf publishing, 1976)
AM I HAVING A SEIZURE OR AN EPIPHANY?
1: What am I thinking about when I'm writhing on the floor of the produce aisle at safeway?
a: my safeway clubcard being mangled by my fall
b: the battle of algiers
c: my tongue going down the hot deli guy's throat
d: my tongue going down my own throat
2: Why am I blacking out completely?
a: I have epilepsy
b: I am drunk
c: I am fervent
d: I am lindsay lohan
3: What sorts of things am I shouting incoherently while I black out?
a: I HAVE EPILEPSY! CALL A DOCTOR!
b: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!
c: LIFE IS DANDY, BRIGHT AND FULL OF MEANING!
d: I AM A LITTLE SNAIL UNDER THE PAW PAW TREE!!!
4: What are the people around me doing right now?
a: trying to save my life
b: trying to be saved by jesus
c: saving money for an awesome trip to cancun
d: having a virgin birth
5: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your shaking and blackouts in proportion to the number of bible verses you can memorize on a train ride to Eugene, Oregon?
Answers:
Mostly a's: You are having a seizure
b's: you are having an epiphany
c's: you are well on your way to financial security using the AAA pension plan
mostly d's: you are total and complete miscreant and I fucking love you for that.
Dear Eenleenicecream,
ummm....I'm pretty sure that REM ripped off the song "losing my religion" from my highschool band NadsThrashRRR back in 1990.
I'm sending you a CD but you can totally see for yourself:
SONG TITLE: BLOOD UNDER BLEACHERS
ohhhhhh life
is deeper
deeper than my pain
and you are not named
the shame that we all go through
the wickeness inside
oh no
i bled too much
I haven't bled enough
that's me in the corner
that's me under the bleachers
losing all my life blood
the slip, it's rough
I fall into the pool
i think I knew I know you
my ache you feel insideeeeee....
what do you think?????
Signed
Drummer for NadsThrashRR
Dear Drummer,
I think you have a lawsuit there! go for it!
Thanks for the CD-so far my favorite song is "WATERHELLIONS PICNIC". You should send it to Crispin Glover!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Well, I am having a conflict of faith. I was raised Jewish but I have a strong pull towards the rituals and pageantry of the catholic church, specifically the outfits of altar boys. No no no, I don't mean the altar boys themselves!!! I mean. I like dressing up in a little white gown and confessing my sins to this man at the produce market who looks like Gregory Peck from "The Omen."
Am I betraying my chosen jewish people by doing this?
Signed
OyVe(y)stial Virgins!
Dear OyVe(y)
The question is, do YOU think you are betraying your people? and why do you think you would NOT betray your people by doing these sorts of things? Is it possible to betray anyone, knowing that you have betrayed yourself time and time again in your own heart?
And are you wearing the little gown right now? Is it an adult altar-boy costume, or a child-sized one that you squeeze yourself into and fits you nice and snug around your bulging arms?
these are all good questions, no?
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Do you believe in god?
signed
Jackson from tampa aged 6 and 3 months.
Dear Jackson
I believe in only one thing in this world: YOU.
Why does god make bad things happen to good people? Also, should I laminate my wife? In the bible it says I should.
Signed
Laminatornaught?
Dearest Laminatornaught,
I think you mean Ecclesiastes 9:8 Which states
And the flaccid bosoms of Abraham smite the thieves in the temple
and burst forth without sin
the dead in sheol listeneth to old skool prince
and worship at my wifes fabled shrine?
They meant shrine, not shine I think but laminator machines are coming down in cost, and your wife's kinda kinky so let me know what happens!
your pal,
een
Dear Eensblog,
Can you tell me the difference between immaculate conception and a virgin birth?
Every girl I go out with fails to explain this to me while I am telekinetically blessing her with my seed and she's shouting oh god yes yes yes oh jesus i am having a virgin birth! when she really means an orgasm??!!!!. Why don't chicks know the difference? are they faking it?
Signed
Pope Williams Aero-spermfloat III
Dearest Pope Williams
well. It all goes back to the holy sea.
in otherwords, the vagina.
Everything in one way or another goes back to the vagina.
When we die, and people say they "went into the light" they mean they went into the vagina.
Along with dead loved ones and jesus and a few angels, the vagina contains many unborn fetuses created from your telekinetic sperm.
If the fetuses grow to term and are born, then you will have what's called a "child."
If the child is born with extra eyes it will be considered "immaculate."
And yes, you still have to pay child support on an immaculate (i.e. deformed) child.
In fact, the holy sea charges interest on exra interest on extra facial features.
Start saving up now!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
I am having a hard time telling if I'm having a "holy ecstasy" right now or a seizure, Can you helP?
signed
Seizure or Scripture?
Dear Seizure or Scripture,
Well, color me rosy! back in the 1970's when religious epiphanies reached their peak in popularity due to the cute animated films "davey and goliath"--- a smart woman by the name of Williamette Samson wrote a book called "Grand Mal-adies-A guide through your seizure and/or religious awakening." (knopf publishing, 1976)
AM I HAVING A SEIZURE OR AN EPIPHANY?
1: What am I thinking about when I'm writhing on the floor of the produce aisle at safeway?
a: my safeway clubcard being mangled by my fall
b: the battle of algiers
c: my tongue going down the hot deli guy's throat
d: my tongue going down my own throat
2: Why am I blacking out completely?
a: I have epilepsy
b: I am drunk
c: I am fervent
d: I am lindsay lohan
3: What sorts of things am I shouting incoherently while I black out?
a: I HAVE EPILEPSY! CALL A DOCTOR!
b: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!
c: LIFE IS DANDY, BRIGHT AND FULL OF MEANING!
d: I AM A LITTLE SNAIL UNDER THE PAW PAW TREE!!!
4: What are the people around me doing right now?
a: trying to save my life
b: trying to be saved by jesus
c: saving money for an awesome trip to cancun
d: having a virgin birth
5: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your shaking and blackouts in proportion to the number of bible verses you can memorize on a train ride to Eugene, Oregon?
Answers:
Mostly a's: You are having a seizure
b's: you are having an epiphany
c's: you are well on your way to financial security using the AAA pension plan
mostly d's: you are total and complete miscreant and I fucking love you for that.
Dear Eenleenicecream,
ummm....I'm pretty sure that REM ripped off the song "losing my religion" from my highschool band NadsThrashRRR back in 1990.
I'm sending you a CD but you can totally see for yourself:
SONG TITLE: BLOOD UNDER BLEACHERS
ohhhhhh life
is deeper
deeper than my pain
and you are not named
the shame that we all go through
the wickeness inside
oh no
i bled too much
I haven't bled enough
that's me in the corner
that's me under the bleachers
losing all my life blood
the slip, it's rough
I fall into the pool
i think I knew I know you
my ache you feel insideeeeee....
what do you think?????
Signed
Drummer for NadsThrashRR
Dear Drummer,
I think you have a lawsuit there! go for it!
Thanks for the CD-so far my favorite song is "WATERHELLIONS PICNIC". You should send it to Crispin Glover!
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Well, I am having a conflict of faith. I was raised Jewish but I have a strong pull towards the rituals and pageantry of the catholic church, specifically the outfits of altar boys. No no no, I don't mean the altar boys themselves!!! I mean. I like dressing up in a little white gown and confessing my sins to this man at the produce market who looks like Gregory Peck from "The Omen."
Am I betraying my chosen jewish people by doing this?
Signed
OyVe(y)stial Virgins!
Dear OyVe(y)
The question is, do YOU think you are betraying your people? and why do you think you would NOT betray your people by doing these sorts of things? Is it possible to betray anyone, knowing that you have betrayed yourself time and time again in your own heart?
And are you wearing the little gown right now? Is it an adult altar-boy costume, or a child-sized one that you squeeze yourself into and fits you nice and snug around your bulging arms?
these are all good questions, no?
your pal,
een
Dear Een
Do you believe in god?
signed
Jackson from tampa aged 6 and 3 months.
Dear Jackson
I believe in only one thing in this world: YOU.
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