Dear Mr. Rad! vice. I recently went on a trip through the Amazon to collect urine samples from the native people who live in the river. While I was there, I got bit by many mosquitoes. The itching was so bad that, at times, I was forced to use my utility spade. My point is, the I got bit all over INCLUDING my delicate private areas. At first I thought I’d caught an STD because while I was there, I make love to several people who didn’t speak english. I even gave one of them a lock of my pretty blonde hair for some parade float or something. Anyway, the itching was so bad I had no other choice than to use the utility spade, and now my genitals are laid out before me in ragged crusty pieces. BUT THE ITCHING IS GONE. My question is, how can I re-attach them and still enjoy a normal sex life?
Signed,
Biteychocha
Dear Bitey,
The river people of the amazon sure do know how to party! Have you ever drank water python venom from a tiki glass? I am sorry for your loss. as far as re-attaching your privates goes, unless you can re-attach them while they are still warm your sex life will probably suffer. If it’s been more than a week and decomposition has set in, you could still re-attach them and tell your sex partners that you have ZOMBIE PRIVATES. believe it or not, there are some freaks who would be into that. If your genitals are so shredded you don’t know where to start, I suggest mashing them together into a collage, and say it’s a social justice art piece. People love shit like that.
Dear Rad! Vice.
I want to get better at keeping routines going in my life. Any suggestions for sticking to routines or is it better to live life without them at all?
Signed,
Routineless in Seattle
Dear Routineless,
If only life were an improvised musical number! Unfortunately routines and schedules are a somewhat necessary part of life--- too much spontaneity and you’ll do a fred-astaire twirl into a wood-chipper, howdy! My suggestion is making very simple and reasonable goals for yourself. For instance, I always plan to go number twosies at 7:30 am on the dot, right when I wake up. However, sometimes if I’m either hungover or waking up in someone elses bed, I know that sticking to my earlybird routine is only going to inconvenience my host, and doing a walk of shame with full bowels is always unpleasant. So that is why I have set my number twosies for 3:00 PM instead of 7:30 am which is a much nicer and more realistic goal. Don’t aim high! This is the worst advice ever. If you aim low, keep it simple, you’ll always be able to feel good about yourself and this will put you on the surefire path to success.
Dear Radvice: I’m on an internet dating website, but creepy pervs seem to write me while all the good guys stay way. What gives?
Signed
Hortense Highlander
Dear Hortense:
The surest way to scare off creepy pervs is by beating them at their game. Everyone has a weak-spot, you just have to know how to detect it through the incoherent that are their messages to you. For instance:
EXAMPLE MESSAGE # 1: “he u whatup wanna smoke a fatty and hump?”
Weakness: drugs, cheese.
YOUR RESPONSE: I’d love to hump your fatty but unfortunately today is no good because my vagina is made of government cheese. on that note, do you pronounce “meunster” like “mooonster” or “Munster.” I never learned, LOL!!!
EXAMPLE MESSAGE# 2: “Don’t I recognize you from a video you made where you diaper a grown man? The fact of the matter is, I have doo-doo-ed my shorts,miss lady. I need a woman like you to sprinkle me with talcum powder and force me to wear a bonnet to my family reunion. Free this thursday? Love, Diapercival.”
Weakness: facial hair, sperm deficiency
YOUR RESPONSE: Drat! Unfortunately I’m too busy this thursday making whoopie to a giant bearded daddy with lush secondary sex characteristics......who doesn’t doo-doo his shorts, he doo-doos in the bucket, which is where any self-respecting person would doo. Do you know what else I’m in favor of? Vigilant, daily sperm counts. Put away your pacifier, and start tagging your swimmers! The entire human race depends on you.
EXAMPLE # 3: “i’m gonna put my eggs in your naughty little chickenhole.”
weakness: animal rights
YOUR RESPONSE:
And they better not be factory farm eggs!!! Did you know that chickens are often kept FIVE IN A CAGE in most farms. FIVE. IN. A. CAGE. They don’t have the space to froclic or make “love” ,and most have their “chickenholes” sewn up by other trapped chickens.. I’ll tell you what. How about I take off all my clothes, and climb into a cramped cage with 5 other naked people who are pumped full of antibiotics, because they cannot move, who helplessly claw holes into eachothers skin, and...wait, actually that actually sounds kinda hot. what are you doing this saturday?”
And thus concludes the example portion of this column. As far as attracting the right types of guys to your page, Hortense, I suggest some colorful ads to capture their eye? It’s a scientifically known fact that hot, amazing fellows are attracted to snickers bars ads, and free porn. Get creative! You will know what to do.
Dear Rad!Vice
I think retards are so cuuuuattttte! Like, how they clap and smile?? I want to make one A BIG ONE. How can I help it????!!!!!
Signed, make me a retard NOW I WQANT!!
Dear make me a retard.
I find your question first of all very offensive. Where are your compassionate pants?!! The politically correct term here is "spaz." and for the record, there are many different types of spazzes in the world. For instance, there's the type of spaz who can recite passages of beowolf in a high-pitched keening tone and who carries and appointment book from 1997. There's the type who is generally happy, but prone to night clawing. There are big spazzes, and little spazzes, and spazzes with glazzes. (me being one of them.) The best and cutest type of spazzes are the kind who carry inhalers and turn pink in the sun.
I'm sorry but you will have to be more specific if you want a helpful answer from me.
No problem is too big, weird, or leaky! Email me your questions to: leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thursday, July 19, 2007
RADvice! Psychology and the Mind
Dear Een.
My friends say i should be medicated because i walk around carrying a dead chicken and whistling low whenever i hear someone say "right on!"
what types of drugs should i take?
signed
chicken madge
Dear Madge:
Heroin. Lots of it.
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
How much crying is too much?
signed
waterlogged in wynona
Dear Waterlogged.
Right on! Een is a huge fan of crying jags and outbursts of great feeling, as they are tonic for the soul. One time she cried for three days and three nights and built an ark out of empty beer cans and floated away to india where she met a boddhisatva in the form of a dead chicken. "How much crying is too much crying?" asked een.
"your ark has a hole in it," said the boddhisatva. "pbr is shit for building things."
The moral: don't drink cheap beer when sad.
These are very wise words, but in answer to your question..... if you are still crying after several days i will give you a snickers bar for being the person with the most feelings i've ever met.
in other words, there's no too much.
your pal
een
Dear Een.
I'm pretty sure i have phase 111 electrodialysism with a codependent twist of malapropy. Is there any hope for my future?
signed,
oh no!
Dear oh no!
i was afraid you'd say that.
phase III electrodialysism with codependent twist of malapropy is a very serious disorder indeed. Please be careful not to misdiagnose yourself because if it's true then this means you are doomed to a life of daily medication followed by a complete numbing of your feelings and sex organs, leading you to "make love" with sharp kitchen things, thus resulting in a BLOODY BLOODY EVISCERATING DEATH.
Lucky for you, there is a test you can take to tell for sure.
It was written in 1978 by a woman named sandy something.
QUIZ: DO I SUFFER FROM PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY?
Question 1: What color do you think of when I say the words "puppy smile."
a: a sort of vomity gray with a few dark worm shapes
b: a sort of bloodclot color with a few dark worms
c: a few dark worms against a bright bubblegum pink
d: eyes
Question 2: Have you ever done self mutilation or burnings?
a: oh goodness yes! it's fun. good times, lol!
b: only when i was a goth in highschool
c: only if someone dares me to. ARE YOU DARING ME? HUH? BRING ME THE BIG KNIFE WATCH I'M GOING TO CUT OFF MY SKIN AND WRAP YOU UP IN IT AND THROW YOU OFF MY ROOF
d: First i rub in the gasoline good then i burn it gooder.
Question 3: Assume you misheard me when I said "excuse me i think that's my seat." what do you think i said?
a: excuse me, you're eating my roast beef.
b: excuse me, you're beating my meat
c: you must be erased by order of zool.
d: well, i guess there are several things i dislike in this world. one, jesus. two, jesuses twelve secret daughters of which i am one. three, whores of jezebel, and four five six seven jan marsha alice and captain macaroni.
Question 4: Do you have any supersitious beliefs?
a: god
b: whistling in graveyards
c: magic tricks
d: killing rabbits before the superbowl
Question 5: Do you ever think about committing suicide because you are a lowly disgusting worm?
a: no, but i once went in through the out door at safeway.
b: constantly. sometimes i write suicide letters and send them to my mother that hole that whore who crapped me out into the pile of dirt we call earth
c: oh yes! i love suicides! i collect them all and dust them once a week.lololololol! ROTFLMAO!!!
d: i just dooted.
answers.
mostly a's: YOU HAVE PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY please remove all sharp kitchen objects from your vincinity IMMEDIATELY!!
mostly b's: You have PHASE I ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY-you can use spoons safely but not knives.
mostly c's: you have a keen sense of wit
mostly d's: stay out of my bedroom with your eyes watching always watching.
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Why do i sometimes feel the pointlessness of living far exceeds the love i receive daily from my friends, while random strangers often nod knowingly at me as if they understand.... are other really people onto the dirty joke of "life" or do they just seem to be programmed to understand me?
you seem to have all the answers.
so tell me. what's the meaning of life? understand me. i dare you.
signed
existential larry
dear: larry
Right on! You're very smart and i like you very much. the people you think are your friends are actually highly sophisticated robots programmed to soothe or irk you depending on the latest software updates.
in short:
there is no god.
there is no devil.
there is only zool.
and zool only comes the day after christmas to pick up your discarded wrapping paper.
there are alot of answers to be found in discarded objects.
love is elusive and rarely lasts forever.
rice-krispies snap because they do not know how to clap.
this is what i know so far larry, being jesus christ and buddha and the reincarnation of andy rooney WAIT ANDY ROONEY IS STILL ALIVE HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
fully medicated now,
your sane pal
een.
Send send OH SEND me your questions....
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
My friends say i should be medicated because i walk around carrying a dead chicken and whistling low whenever i hear someone say "right on!"
what types of drugs should i take?
signed
chicken madge
Dear Madge:
Heroin. Lots of it.
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
How much crying is too much?
signed
waterlogged in wynona
Dear Waterlogged.
Right on! Een is a huge fan of crying jags and outbursts of great feeling, as they are tonic for the soul. One time she cried for three days and three nights and built an ark out of empty beer cans and floated away to india where she met a boddhisatva in the form of a dead chicken. "How much crying is too much crying?" asked een.
"your ark has a hole in it," said the boddhisatva. "pbr is shit for building things."
The moral: don't drink cheap beer when sad.
These are very wise words, but in answer to your question..... if you are still crying after several days i will give you a snickers bar for being the person with the most feelings i've ever met.
in other words, there's no too much.
your pal
een
Dear Een.
I'm pretty sure i have phase 111 electrodialysism with a codependent twist of malapropy. Is there any hope for my future?
signed,
oh no!
Dear oh no!
i was afraid you'd say that.
phase III electrodialysism with codependent twist of malapropy is a very serious disorder indeed. Please be careful not to misdiagnose yourself because if it's true then this means you are doomed to a life of daily medication followed by a complete numbing of your feelings and sex organs, leading you to "make love" with sharp kitchen things, thus resulting in a BLOODY BLOODY EVISCERATING DEATH.
Lucky for you, there is a test you can take to tell for sure.
It was written in 1978 by a woman named sandy something.
QUIZ: DO I SUFFER FROM PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY?
Question 1: What color do you think of when I say the words "puppy smile."
a: a sort of vomity gray with a few dark worm shapes
b: a sort of bloodclot color with a few dark worms
c: a few dark worms against a bright bubblegum pink
d: eyes
Question 2: Have you ever done self mutilation or burnings?
a: oh goodness yes! it's fun. good times, lol!
b: only when i was a goth in highschool
c: only if someone dares me to. ARE YOU DARING ME? HUH? BRING ME THE BIG KNIFE WATCH I'M GOING TO CUT OFF MY SKIN AND WRAP YOU UP IN IT AND THROW YOU OFF MY ROOF
d: First i rub in the gasoline good then i burn it gooder.
Question 3: Assume you misheard me when I said "excuse me i think that's my seat." what do you think i said?
a: excuse me, you're eating my roast beef.
b: excuse me, you're beating my meat
c: you must be erased by order of zool.
d: well, i guess there are several things i dislike in this world. one, jesus. two, jesuses twelve secret daughters of which i am one. three, whores of jezebel, and four five six seven jan marsha alice and captain macaroni.
Question 4: Do you have any supersitious beliefs?
a: god
b: whistling in graveyards
c: magic tricks
d: killing rabbits before the superbowl
Question 5: Do you ever think about committing suicide because you are a lowly disgusting worm?
a: no, but i once went in through the out door at safeway.
b: constantly. sometimes i write suicide letters and send them to my mother that hole that whore who crapped me out into the pile of dirt we call earth
c: oh yes! i love suicides! i collect them all and dust them once a week.lololololol! ROTFLMAO!!!
d: i just dooted.
answers.
mostly a's: YOU HAVE PHASE III ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY please remove all sharp kitchen objects from your vincinity IMMEDIATELY!!
mostly b's: You have PHASE I ELECTRODIALISYM WITH A CODEPENDENT TWIST OF MALAPROPY-you can use spoons safely but not knives.
mostly c's: you have a keen sense of wit
mostly d's: stay out of my bedroom with your eyes watching always watching.
your pal,
een
Dear Een.
Why do i sometimes feel the pointlessness of living far exceeds the love i receive daily from my friends, while random strangers often nod knowingly at me as if they understand.... are other really people onto the dirty joke of "life" or do they just seem to be programmed to understand me?
you seem to have all the answers.
so tell me. what's the meaning of life? understand me. i dare you.
signed
existential larry
dear: larry
Right on! You're very smart and i like you very much. the people you think are your friends are actually highly sophisticated robots programmed to soothe or irk you depending on the latest software updates.
in short:
there is no god.
there is no devil.
there is only zool.
and zool only comes the day after christmas to pick up your discarded wrapping paper.
there are alot of answers to be found in discarded objects.
love is elusive and rarely lasts forever.
rice-krispies snap because they do not know how to clap.
this is what i know so far larry, being jesus christ and buddha and the reincarnation of andy rooney WAIT ANDY ROONEY IS STILL ALIVE HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
fully medicated now,
your sane pal
een.
Send send OH SEND me your questions....
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Radvice! Household Hints
Dear Een
Do you have any recommendations for getting multiple dark, clotted stains out of a carpet?
you're the best, thanks!
Signed,
Mr.Derr
Dear Mr. Derr!
Long time no talk! And how is your fine family this evening? Last time I saw them they were going through some rough times what with your recent layoff and 16 day long drunken/meth binge and all. Oh golly how they DO love you though. Creme de la creme, that family! Give my regards to the missus too!
As far as dark clotted stains go, well that depends. How "dark" are the stains? (like a light amber, or deep crimson?) and is there any "particulate" matter embedded in the carpet? Like for instance bits of cat dander or dirt tracked in from outdoors or exploded bits of flesh?
What I'm saying is you should shake out your carpet first before attempting any serious stain removal. This is common sense but many of us were born without it.
Your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Do you ever notice that dishwashers actually do NOT clean dishes worth a you-know-what?
Signed
Dirty Diana's Dishes.
Dear DDD.
No, I don't-know-what!
Are you actually going to make me guess?
Why do you do these things to me so early in the morning?!!
Oh here, take a quiz and get outta my face.
Pop Quiz:
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
1: Do you know what I'm talking about?
a: Yes, yes! you are definately talking about tsetse flies.
b: Your words are hard to follow because you are drunk.
c: No, because all I think about is the two of us. making love on a beach. while the waves crash against our loins.
d: I think so. If not I will pretend I know so you will not tease me in front of my friends.
2: I know, right?
a: No, you do NOT know and you are never right because you died 6 years ago.
b: You think I know but what you don't know is how little I know.
c: Michael Stipe has invaded this quiz and I refuse to answer further
d: The fridge smells like old people
3: Can I ask you something?
a: Only if you wear a purple wizard hat when you ask me
b: Only if you sleep with me
c: Only if I can ask you something first and then interrupt you several times when you begin and finally when you give up say "why don't you ever want to know about MY life? huh? why do I always do the asking?"
d: No thank you.
4: Hows it hangin, bro?
a: flaccidly and leakingly.
b: it's not! HELP ME, my "wife" put liquid viagra in my wheaties!
c: i ain't your bro, homes, i'm your mother. eat your wheaties.
d: oH. OH. OH. OH. OH. hangin tough.
6: hey, are you allright?
a: my colon is on the outside of my body attached to my rectum by a thin wet spaghetti, do i look allright?
b: yes yes i'm fine. just allergies!. *twitch* life is a *twitch* gift!
c: could you take that rock over there...yes that sharp one...and bash in my head repeatedly? thanks, you're awesome!
d: what do you think this is on my leg it looks like a mole but it keeps flaking off
7: whazzzupppppppppppp?
a: when would be a good time to schedule your untimely death?
b: please die.
c: I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THE SHARP ROCK
d: AND BASH IN MY HEAD THEN YOURS THEN MINE AGAIN.
Results:
mostly a's: Oh nothing much, nother day nother dollar, right? lol!
mostly bs: The cancer has seized my brain now. (isn't that a ministry song?)
mostly c's: Sky, a few cumulus clouds, and an airplane
mostly d's: i just keep eating my wheaties like mom says.
Dear Een:
Do you have any low budget decorating ideas for my first apartment?
Unfortunately, only have about 20 dollars to spend.
Signed
Thrifty Taffy
Dear Thrifty,
I appreciate that you are saving even 20 dollars for home decorating! When een gets 20 dollars she usually buys burritos and beer. This is why her bedroom is decorated with cardboard boxes and random things people give her that she thinks would look good on a wall giving the impression that she is 19 years old and living in a frat house.
There's lots you can do, to decorate with 20 dollars! I only wish I knew. Wait, let's see what mother is doing, she is smart about these things......
Dear Thrifty.
Good grief, 20 dollars? okay. well the first thing I would do is spend about 7 dollars on some nice fabric. then with the fabric you can hang it up on your wall or put it over a box to make it look like a "table." or you can cut it in two pieces to make curtains. Then with the remainder of the money you can still buy a beer and a burrito and make it to the park intime for the free movie showing AH CRAP I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE ANYMORE.
your pal,
een and eens "mom."
Dear Een
My grandfather has bought the newly patented "Toe Valve" for his gout. Every evening he "flicks" his tophi into a bucket near his la-Zee-Boy chair. However now the house has now taken on the smell of expired organ meats. I tried the baking soda and lye trick but it doesn't work! help!
Signed
Livingroom or Liver?
Dear Livingroom,
Unfortunately the "Toe Valve" is still needing a few tweaks. The newest version comes with a sanitizing "squeaky teen fresh" spray. But it is not available yet in most stores.
So my suggestion is to just do away with your grandfather. Besides he is old and diseased, and has nothing further to contribute to society but amusing malapropisms such as "I cannot phantom a word this poisoned Bush is saying on Television!!"
Use the sharp rock.
Dear Mrs. Een.
There is a monster underneath my bed, and he is my best friend. His toenails are long and he never combs his hair.
-Maggie age 7
Dear Maggie,
So that's where he went! guess he went found a new best friend (sniff.)
No problem is too hideous or plain!
Send all inquiries to leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Do you have any recommendations for getting multiple dark, clotted stains out of a carpet?
you're the best, thanks!
Signed,
Mr.Derr
Dear Mr. Derr!
Long time no talk! And how is your fine family this evening? Last time I saw them they were going through some rough times what with your recent layoff and 16 day long drunken/meth binge and all. Oh golly how they DO love you though. Creme de la creme, that family! Give my regards to the missus too!
As far as dark clotted stains go, well that depends. How "dark" are the stains? (like a light amber, or deep crimson?) and is there any "particulate" matter embedded in the carpet? Like for instance bits of cat dander or dirt tracked in from outdoors or exploded bits of flesh?
What I'm saying is you should shake out your carpet first before attempting any serious stain removal. This is common sense but many of us were born without it.
Your pal,
een
Dear Een:
Do you ever notice that dishwashers actually do NOT clean dishes worth a you-know-what?
Signed
Dirty Diana's Dishes.
Dear DDD.
No, I don't-know-what!
Are you actually going to make me guess?
Why do you do these things to me so early in the morning?!!
Oh here, take a quiz and get outta my face.
Pop Quiz:
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
1: Do you know what I'm talking about?
a: Yes, yes! you are definately talking about tsetse flies.
b: Your words are hard to follow because you are drunk.
c: No, because all I think about is the two of us. making love on a beach. while the waves crash against our loins.
d: I think so. If not I will pretend I know so you will not tease me in front of my friends.
2: I know, right?
a: No, you do NOT know and you are never right because you died 6 years ago.
b: You think I know but what you don't know is how little I know.
c: Michael Stipe has invaded this quiz and I refuse to answer further
d: The fridge smells like old people
3: Can I ask you something?
a: Only if you wear a purple wizard hat when you ask me
b: Only if you sleep with me
c: Only if I can ask you something first and then interrupt you several times when you begin and finally when you give up say "why don't you ever want to know about MY life? huh? why do I always do the asking?"
d: No thank you.
4: Hows it hangin, bro?
a: flaccidly and leakingly.
b: it's not! HELP ME, my "wife" put liquid viagra in my wheaties!
c: i ain't your bro, homes, i'm your mother. eat your wheaties.
d: oH. OH. OH. OH. OH. hangin tough.
6: hey, are you allright?
a: my colon is on the outside of my body attached to my rectum by a thin wet spaghetti, do i look allright?
b: yes yes i'm fine. just allergies!. *twitch* life is a *twitch* gift!
c: could you take that rock over there...yes that sharp one...and bash in my head repeatedly? thanks, you're awesome!
d: what do you think this is on my leg it looks like a mole but it keeps flaking off
7: whazzzupppppppppppp?
a: when would be a good time to schedule your untimely death?
b: please die.
c: I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THE SHARP ROCK
d: AND BASH IN MY HEAD THEN YOURS THEN MINE AGAIN.
Results:
mostly a's: Oh nothing much, nother day nother dollar, right? lol!
mostly bs: The cancer has seized my brain now. (isn't that a ministry song?)
mostly c's: Sky, a few cumulus clouds, and an airplane
mostly d's: i just keep eating my wheaties like mom says.
Dear Een:
Do you have any low budget decorating ideas for my first apartment?
Unfortunately, only have about 20 dollars to spend.
Signed
Thrifty Taffy
Dear Thrifty,
I appreciate that you are saving even 20 dollars for home decorating! When een gets 20 dollars she usually buys burritos and beer. This is why her bedroom is decorated with cardboard boxes and random things people give her that she thinks would look good on a wall giving the impression that she is 19 years old and living in a frat house.
There's lots you can do, to decorate with 20 dollars! I only wish I knew. Wait, let's see what mother is doing, she is smart about these things......
Dear Thrifty.
Good grief, 20 dollars? okay. well the first thing I would do is spend about 7 dollars on some nice fabric. then with the fabric you can hang it up on your wall or put it over a box to make it look like a "table." or you can cut it in two pieces to make curtains. Then with the remainder of the money you can still buy a beer and a burrito and make it to the park intime for the free movie showing AH CRAP I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE ANYMORE.
your pal,
een and eens "mom."
Dear Een
My grandfather has bought the newly patented "Toe Valve" for his gout. Every evening he "flicks" his tophi into a bucket near his la-Zee-Boy chair. However now the house has now taken on the smell of expired organ meats. I tried the baking soda and lye trick but it doesn't work! help!
Signed
Livingroom or Liver?
Dear Livingroom,
Unfortunately the "Toe Valve" is still needing a few tweaks. The newest version comes with a sanitizing "squeaky teen fresh" spray. But it is not available yet in most stores.
So my suggestion is to just do away with your grandfather. Besides he is old and diseased, and has nothing further to contribute to society but amusing malapropisms such as "I cannot phantom a word this poisoned Bush is saying on Television!!"
Use the sharp rock.
Dear Mrs. Een.
There is a monster underneath my bed, and he is my best friend. His toenails are long and he never combs his hair.
-Maggie age 7
Dear Maggie,
So that's where he went! guess he went found a new best friend (sniff.)
No problem is too hideous or plain!
Send all inquiries to leenashirlee@yahoo.com
Friday, June 15, 2007
RADvice! Mystery grab bag
Dear Een,
My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).
PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."
Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence
Dear On the Fence,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.
As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.
your pal,
een
Dear Dripping Eye
Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"
For instance
Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.
We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een
Dearest Een,
Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!
Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels
Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!
I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)
but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.
Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.
Dear Milking
Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!
Your Pal
Een
send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
My roommate is a vegetarian and doesn't let me bring any meat into the house. But the fridge is filled with beef, pork and lamb. My roommate says he know nothing about the meat and when I point it out to him in the freezer, he says all he sees is my carton of ice cream and after he goes vegan, I'll have to switch to soy. That's fair, I guess. But yesterday he was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast and seemed to be enjoying the snap, crackle, pop but then flipped over the bowl of cereal. I asked him if he would clean it up and he said, "No, they deserve to suffer." This isn't the kind of behavior I would expect from a vegetarian. Should I confront him about his hypocrisy? Or have the Rice Krispies done something so terrible to deserve this treatment (sorry, sometimes I don't follow the news).
PS Right now he's frying bacon, I think. When I asked him about it, he said, "This is green beas with garlic and hollandaise sauce."
Signed,
On the Vegetarian Fence
Dear On the Fence,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the "invisible meat" syndrome.
Resulting from watching too many sylvester and tweety cartoons where tweety becomes a giant drumstick.
The only thing you can do for this person is dress up like a giant carrot.
As for the torture of rice krispies, i think it's a more serious issue than we can begin to grasp.
for instance, there are 7BILLION rice krispies in krispies shelters throughout the united states alone.
Every year 4.3 billion unwanted krispies are euthanized in giant vats of expired milk. Do you hear me EXPIRED MILK.
do you know how the krispie dies when it's drowning in EXPIRED MILK?
Well, first of all, its skin atrophies and turns black.
then it under goes a painful transmorgrification rite turning from an nice golden nugget to a HORRIBLE SOGGY BLACKENED WILD RICE.
Wild rice is by the way not rice but a grass.
but my point is we must lobby for FRESH 2% OR WHOLE MILK for the krispies. It is their last and dying wish, to leave the world with DIGNITY.
this is a very serious issue.
your pal,
een
dear een,
When I blow my nose, mucus comes out my eye. Is this normal?
-dripping eye
Dear Dripping Eye
Are you sure it's mucous and not tears?
On that note, when your nose is running would it be fair to say your nose is "crying?"
For instance
Coworker: Got a cold?
You: My nose is sad.
We could all stand to cry more, and if you are having troubles with this, I can say things to you that will make you cry.
Your pal
een
Dearest Een,
Congratulations to me, I just nabbed the perfect apartment. I've been slow to decorate because I want to be respectful to the character of the place. But I have come up with the perfect motif -- porn palace meets scooby doo! I want to plaster my walls with pornographic mysteries. What fun this would be! Let me illustrate: a guy comes (well, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter!) to my place and I'm still gelling my hair in the bathroom. What could be more fun for him (and set the mood for a great night out) than having him solve some mysteries about cock sucking and beaver fever. You must think I am some sort of pervert. That is simply not true. Rather, I am a gal who is both mysterious and sexy and what better way to celebrate that! I just need someone to tell me this is a fab idea before going through with it. My sister, mother, father, priest, swim coach, rabbi, boyfriend (both of them), and vet have all stopped speaking to me since I told them about it. I'm counting on you, Een! Viva La Bia mystérieux!
Forever Your Girl,
Lips & Barrels
Dear Lips and Barrels!
Your question has made me blush most fantastically!
I feel like the mystery machine in full springtime!
I think you make a good case for erotic mystery. However, I wonder what kind of mysteries you have in mind? For instance, if you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to your bed and you are laying in bed with a gorilla mask on reinacting the crucifix/matsurbation scene from the exorcist...well, this is not sexy. (maybe to some!) (everything is sexy to some!)
but if for instance you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to the bed and you were dressed up like fred from scooby doo, wearing nothing a neckerchief and you said something like "solve this caper, mr. solver man," well...that would be quite frankly HOT.
Your friends are a bunch of boring nogoodniks and you should drown them in the bay.
your "mysterious" pal
een.
Dear een,
If you feed an adult cow it's own milk, will there be extra nutrients in it's next batch?
-Milking Devon
Dear Milking
Why! I am reminded now of the agricultural experiments done during the great depression where mothers drank their own breast milk to ensure their babies would not die of rickets or scurvy.
the results were sketchy.
Group A infants became quite healthy and well-adjusted bankers and doctors and tasteful strippers.
Group B became pale and listless, and spent much of their early adult lives burrowing into mattresses.
I think you should try this experiment on yourself
If you are not lactating
then I suggest reabsorbing your sweat by wearing some sort of non-absorbent material like a safeway bag.
Tell me the results!
Your Pal
Een
send on your questions!
leenashirlee@yahoo.com
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